SAN BERNARDINO, CA—The death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco.

To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last will and testament. The eighty-six cent burrito will contain sour milk (dubbed “Sour Cream*” by the company), “lettuce,” a gordita, American cheese, salmonella, and pieces of the founder, Glen Bell.

“We are excited,” stated Tricon CEO, Tomas Billingsberg. “This is some of the best meat we have served in years.” The special burritos are being advertised under a slogan that reads: “Why eat a dog who did nothing for society, when you can eat the man who brought you Taco Bell?” Market researchers have already declared that the product tests incredibly well with the company’s focus groups, especially drunk college kids, stoners, and high-schoolers bored out of their minds.

Talk has circulated that his blood will go to flavor special edition Frutista freezes, but Billingsberg would neither confirm nor deny the validity of the speculation.

IRVINE, CA—Taco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito.

“The fast in ‘fast food’ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,” said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder.

The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer Diet Burrito is simply a quesadilla wrapped in a chalupa — enveloped by a taco — covered with a tortilla — all melted together by layers of cheese, guacamole, and sour cream. It probably has all the food groups covered. It has only 7 kg of fat.

Christine Dougherty, who attributes her recent 50-pound weight loss to the new dish, is the spokesperson behind the campaign.

“Running ten hours a day, refusing to sit down, and constantly chewing celery had little to do with my weight loss when compared to the 7-layer burrito,” says Dougherty, who is as logical a spokesperson as Tiger Woods is for E-Harmony.  

Still, health experts warn that you might want to think outside the burrito.

“As much as people enjoy Taco Bell’s authentic recreation of Mexican cuisine,” says anti-social University of Chicago health professor Anita Bagel, “the restaurant’s reliance on pesticides and the tears of Organic Chemistry students would make me slightly skeptical about the new product.”

“It just doesn’t seem as real to me as Avatar,” Bagel added. “McDonald’s has that market cornered.”