VATICAN CITY — With Pope Benedict XVI resigning this week to focus on his rap career, the Vatican is scurrying to find a worthy replacement. However, due to the cost of the Church’s golden and elaborate hats, the Papacy’s finances are in trouble. As a result, the Vatican is pushing for more affirmative action to obtain grants from organizations advocating for racial equality worldwide.

The first choice for Pope is a man from Ghana, Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson. When questioned for comment, Bishop Mel Gibson said, “Look man, there’s a lot of qualified candidates but they’re frankly not exotic enough. As you know, if social change comes about, religious institutions wait at least 50 years before catching up with everyone else. Plus, Pete is a bit more ‘urban’ and the kids love that these days.”

The possibility of a black Pope has many people upset. Jeb Parker, a disgruntled gas station attendant from Mississippi, expressed his outrage: “Thanks to Obama, even God is laying people off. Now we want somebody who looks just like him to be Pope?”

NFL Quarterback and first non-Catholic Cardinal Tim Tebow expressed discontent at the possibility of affirmative action. “This is ridiculous, I know I totally have better stats than that guy and I bet my Wonderlic is higher too. They’re just taking him because he’s black—it’s like college apps all over again.” When asked if the new nominee may just be more qualified than him, Tebow, who is writing a new book about his experience as a victim of affirmatie action, responded by silently taking a knee.

It will be tough for the Vatican to choose someone worthy in the coming weeks. Not only would the new Pope be in charge of leading a people backwards, but he would also have to be excellent at covering up sexual assault cases. The only other institution with a history of consistently having leaders that fit the bill is Notre Dame University.

MAITLAND, FLORIDA—Electronic Arts, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.”

“We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.”

Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power and accuracy, important abilities for a QB, his Willpower rating of 100 will make him the best quarterback in the game.

NFL Network Draft Expert Mike Mayock praised the new category, saying that “off-the-chart intangibles” could now be defined for the first time in history.

“Tebow brings more than a love of Phillippians 2:34 and a healthy appreciation for abstinence to the table,” said Mayock. “He’s a proven winner. Florida’s incredible stock of talent was only able to win games due to [Tebow's] sheer force of will.”

Tim Tebow issued a statement praising the creation of the new category, saying that “only with my 100 Willpower rating was I able to dodge that abortion.”

However, some NFL athletes are upset by the new rating system. Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell created a Facebook group called “Winning Ain’t Everything, Celebrate Mediocrity — presented by Skittles. Taste the Rainbow.” Joining Russell is a long list of underachieving NFL players, such as Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

“What the fuck does ‘Willpower’ even mean?” said Jay Cutler, who has a Willpower rating of 1. “I have diabetes. Trying is hard!”

EA Tiburon demonstrated the Willpower rating by simulating a game between the Denver Broncos with Tim Tebow at the helm facing off against the Detroit Lions. Despite being the highest ranked QB in the game, Tebow went 11 for 35 with 128 yards and 1 interception. The Lions won 17-6.

When asked if the Madden team was happy about the demonstration, Ian Cummings responded enthusiastically.

“You could really tell Tebow was giving it his full effort out there.”