Mitch Skillman

Dear Mitch,

I’m glad you asked, as there are a lot of really cool places where really cool people hang out and do really cool stuff. For instance, there is a popular vampire-themed dance club in the 28th sub-basement of Tech. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with Twilight, many engineers simply find that long hours in Tech tend to instill a fear of the sun they haven’t seen in years and a taste for the blood of humanities majors.

For those looking for an older, more experienced crowd, Pick-Staiger includes a swingers club which is run in conjunction with the Northshore Retirement Hotel. Also not to be underestimated is the Cliff Diving Club, which meets on the lakefill at 2:00 on Wednesday mornings. While it is true that nothing even slightly resembling a cliff can be seen within miles of the lakefill, it’s certainly entertaining to watch them try.

Finally, for the truly adventurous, the nightly orgies on the roof of Slivka are not to be missed, especially in January. And you wondered why they never go outside.

“I’d just passed L22 for the fifth goddamn time,” Stevens recounts, “when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I could have sworn I heard whispers.”

Upon investigation, Stevens realized he had found a small village lining the halls of the A wing basement. “They were all wearing long-sleeved shirts, pants, socks, closed-toed shoes, and safety… fuck, I forgot my goggles!” Stevens recalls.

These so-called “Lost Boys” are, in fact, an entire freshman lab session from last year who, through a typo, were scheduled to meet in “A2.” Senior Benjamin Wells remarked, “any freshman that doesn’t know A2 isn’t a real room deserves to be lost in Tech for a year, living off scraps of food and deionized water. When I was a freshman I spent a whole week living in the Tribune Center because I didn’t realize it was different from McCormick Hall.” When reached for a followup, Stevens raised a thought-provoking question, “Who the fuck put the L Wing between B and G?!”

Stevens is planning to give a talk to University maintenance entitled “This Is Why You Clean the Fucking Basement,” though there is doubt whether maintenance workers will put aside their fears of encountering a minotaur in the Tech labyrinth.

All of my friends are already home from school. Will I ever get to go home?

Your number one fan,
Randolph K. Hassenpfeffer

Well, Randy (I’m going to call you Randy whether you like it or not), the answer is quite simple: NO. You are in fact stuck here until you graduate. There is a secret clause in the housing agreement stating that all students are forbidden from being at home for more than a month while their high school friends are also out of school. To enforce this, small explosives have been woven into all Northwestern apparel. If you remain in your hometown with any acquaintances you knew before entering Northwestern, the explosives will arm. The only way to keep them from detonating is to return to campus. You will be confined to an isolation room in the 28th sub-basement of Tech until you have received at least 5 text messages from friends at home asking if you want to hang out, at which point you will be released and enrolled in four sections of organic chemistry until your brain melts and you forget what your home even looks like.

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