WHEELING, IL—Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster.

An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid my taxes since Reagan was in office. This is the best $10.70 I’ve ever spent!” Johnson’s single hole puncher will be donated to charity.

“I was inspired by my great godfather, Roland Wernoff, who invented the automatic paper shredder. Back in the 1920’s in the height of identity fraud in the United States, he used to tear up papers, one by one, with only his bare hands and a lot of motivation. I used to be like him too, doing punches one at a time. But now I’m done with that lifestyle.”

Many other interns hope to follow in the footsteps of Bernardo. It is likely, however, that someone more qualified, and with more 3-hole punching experience, will replace him.

President of Midland, Theodore C. X. P. D. Midland, told us that he no longer intends to keep Bernardo. “Yeah, we just don’t need his, uh, services anymore at corporate. Now that we have that 3-hole puncher, we may consider sending him to one of our distribution centers in Normal, IL.”

The company does not plan to inform Johnson of his termination. Rather, they believe he’ll get the hint when they take away his gold paper clip trophy, which he received early this morning.

Perhaps Bernardo, and Midland, could have used a Staples Easy Button a long time ago, but even that could not have stimulated productivity like the purchase of the 3-Hole punch.

CHICAGO—Without a World Series title in 101 years, enough is enough. Cubs fans have forever been tantalized as America’s losers, but that may soon change. In a last hurrah approach to win it all, the Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with Major League Baseball that would allow them to use steroids in the upcoming 2009 season. If they are unable to finish on top, even with the use of steroids, they, and their farm system, will be terminated from professional baseball.

The Cubs and MLB agreed to these terms late Sunday evening. “We found it to be a fair trade,” says Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “We’ve gone too long without winning a championship. If we can’t win the World Series with steroids, we’ll never do it, so really being kicked out of baseball doesn’t sound that bad, it will just end the misery…kind of like suicide.”

The commissioner was reluctant to sign off on the deal at first, but then remembered how steroids used to be good for baseball. “Steroids have done a lot for the game; I mean there were more homeruns, which was kickass,” explained Bud Selig in a press conference. “But then people found out about it and now they don’t like it. Also, I guess I’d like to see the Cubs win, but not even a deal with the Devil will make that happen.”

This has created uproar amongst many of the players who have been ostracized for using steroids. There are some, however, with a dissenting view. “It’s kind of like when you’re winning big in basketball,” notes Yankee’s shortstop Derek Jeter, “and you stop taking three’s and put in your bench players. There’s no real reason to shove it in their faces, which is something the Cubs have been on the wrong side of for too many years. This deal should, you know, level the playing field.”

This also adds some incentive for the players; either they win, or they’re out of work. The steroids should help, but they’re still the Cubs, so put your “It’s Gonna Happen” sign down and find a new team to root for in 2010.