ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – Insurgents everywhere were shocked to hear of the death of hardworking everyman Osama bin Laden, who was gunned down in the line of duty on Sunday just one week before his retirement. His peers remember him as a blue-collar, tough fundamentalist who shouldn’t have insisted on performing one last jihad before hanging up his sandals for the final time.

“Everyone at the compound loved him,” lamented Ayman al-Zawahiri, who served for many years as bin Laden’s partner, “Every morning he brought two dozen falafel to the office. It always brightened everyone’s day. We’re sad to see him pass on so close to his retirement.”

Al-Zawahiri tried to prevent bin Laden from his regular reconnaissance, but the wanted criminal insisted. “Come on, he told me,” the militant explained, “’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’ I wish I had known, so I could have stopped him.” An American sniper first aimed at al-Zawahiri, but bin Laden pushed him out of the way and took the bullet. “It was a brave act,” said the new Al-Qaeda leader, “and just goes to show how gosh-darn selfless Osama was.”

The card that all of bin Laden’s fellow terrorists signed for his retirement party had to be quickly edited; it currently hangs in the Al-Qaeda break room as a makeshift vigil, on which coworkers have placed items symbolic of their relationships with the radical insurgent, including food wrappers, packs of smokes, and at least one Furby. “He always had a weakness for Furbies,” explained a teary eyed al-Zawahiri, “he used to…used to…oh I can’t take it anymore.”

Al-Zawahiri, 59, just ordered the last piece for his life-size model railroad. It is expected to arrive in two weeks. “Every morning I wait excitedly for the mailman to come. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, my life’s work will be complete very soon.”

DETROIT—Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States.

In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency.

“Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The terrorists actually did us a favor. I must remember to send Al-Qaeda a Christmas card if I ever get their address.”

Chicago entrepreneurs are already thinking of ways to capitalize on this joyful event. “I’m thinking of making a ‘Ruins of Pompeii’ theme park in the rubble of Detroit,” said acclaimed rollercoaster tycoon Jason Stein. “The city looks just like Pompeii after Mount Vesuvius exploded, and the whole Ancient Roman thing is going to be the next big thing after the current vampire craze blows over.”

Locals who survived the attack are thankful to escape — from both the firestorm and the city it ravaged. “Honestly, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get out of Detroit ever since my husband’s job was relocated to that awful place,” said Debra Shelley. “I can’t wait to move to a better city — Baltimore, say, or East L.A.”

“All I want is to shake the hand of the terrorist who did this,” said former Detroit resident Allen Shant. “It’s a shame it was a suicide mission. I wouldn’t mind having a beer with the guy.”