Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches.

Fellow guides, the state of the TGs is awesome! There is not a single thing wrong with anything on this campus or within this group of 120ish tightly knit undergrads and graduates who haven’t yet found a real job! Let me tell you why. This podium in front of me was built in 1851 by our founder, the same guy who built The Rock, with his bare hands! That’s definitely a true fact!

Here are some more facts. Hand waving to people we don’t know in an attempt to look more popular in front of high schoolers is down 23 percent! Misleading anecdotes that suggest all of NU’s food taste likes Frontera is up 40 percent!!

We just got tour guide quarter zips and t-shirts! Now, in case other students haven’t noticed us while walking backwards (backwards!) around campus, we now have another way to differentiate ourselves and let everyone know we were selected to the most prestigious group on campus.

Let me conclude the state of the tour guides with the way we always like to close: why Northwestern? Well, today I guess the more apt question is why even give a speech about the state of the tour guides? Well, we believe it is our right to be listened to in rapt attention at all times by people who vastly overestimate how much impact we have on their lives! Go Cats!

EVANSTON – Evanston junkies were outraged yesterday when they found out Northwestern University’s beloved Rock is, in fact, just a rock.

A recent increase of recreational crack-cocaine users on the Northwestern University campus has stirred up some talk on campus. However with all the work, the cold settling in, and the football team unable to stop any team’s offence, their presence isn’t quite at the top of anyone’s worries list.

It turns out the drug users have been flocking to campus because of widely-distribute promotional materials mentioning the Rock. Local crack-fiend Doug Nealon stated, “Well, I heard about some crack rock out here on the Northwestern campus from my man Steve, who read about it on some website. I thought to myself, ‘Free crack?! Damn, I shoulda gone to college!’ So of course I got my crew together and we came through to check it out . . . but nah, that ain’t no crack rock, man . . .that ain’t no crack rock.”

Clearly devastated, Nealon and the rest of his posse abandoned the Rock, leaving to mill aimlessly around campus “doing hood-rat stuff.”

In other news, 43 Northwestern University students were mugged last night. No information on the muggings is available.

EVANSTON—In an attempt to promote last week’s issue of the Flipside, three students proceeded to use the tools given to them by Norris Outdoors to create a shelter for those planning to sleep at the Rock overnight.

With a few yards of rope, two large boulders borrowed from the Harris Hall construction site, and all of the equipment provided in a tent’s packaging, the three proceeded to build an improvised lean-to that sophomore Michael Guhin claimed “could only be described as ‘criminally liable’ or ‘more an umbrella than a shelter.’”

Nonetheless, Bear Grylls, star of the Discovery Channel show Man vs. Wild, applauded the three for making the best out of what they had.

“You see here, with the tent clips firmly attached to this rope, which is tightened by tying the rope around several large sedimentary rocks, these young adventurers protected the two lowly freshman with a shelter from rain, as well as provided them with a reasonable amount of living space, and perhaps enough room for a man-made fire pit in the middle,” Grylls rambled. “The Rock happens to be located in perfect territory for snakes, which the two could kill with their bare hands by smashing their head in with large rocks, using the meat for food and the skin as a water container.”

“We honestly couldn’t figure out how to set the tent up, so we did what we could and apologized to the two for our shitty job. But, now that Bear approves, we don’t feel as bad that we left the two freshmen exposed to urinating hobos and boa constrictors,” explained Michael Kanter (Class of 2014).

The guys thought their hardest task would be to defend the Rock from oncoming SAE and APhi Project Scare devotees or ASG members who wanted to design the infamous Rock, but greater difficulty lay in figuring out how to put their tent together. To be fair, it came into the hands of the Flipside without instructions.

“I couldn’t think of any better job these men did in building shelter, I mean, I don’t think I could make anything as close to as safe and secure as this lean-to,” Grylls said.

EVANSTON—An investigation into the origins of the university’s most beloved landmark was sparked last month when a graduate student stumbled upon a curious article in the Daily Northwestern’s archives. Entitled “Disgruntled Freshman Freezes to Death,” the record from 1902 details the untimely demise of one Earl Worthington, a freshman who tripped into a newly-installed koi pool during a blustery October cold snap.

Ellen Katz, who discovered the article while researching the mysterious origins of Dillo Day, was stunned by her discovery. “It was unbelievable. It was a grisly story, but it piqued my interest and I couldn’t stop reading… when an old map of the university showed the pool at the current location of the Rock, I couldn’t help but think ‘What if…?’”

Worthington drowned, apparently stunned by the fall, and his corpse froze along with the contents of the poorly-planned reservoir pending the arrival of a clean-up crew. Before the crew arrived, the scene of the accident was swarmed by enthusiastic Pi Kappa Alpha brothers, who covered the body with a spray-painted sign celebrating their recent intramural football victory.

At Katz’s behest, a full geological survey was conducted, showing that The Rock contains no stone whatsoever. A combination of X-ray imaging and strategic drilling revealed a skeleton under 107 years’ worth of paint. The lead in the innermost layers had corroded the body, but analysts were able to discern that Worthington lies in rest with a pleading arm stretched toward Harris Hall, the nearest shelter. Indeed, even today The Rock lists southward, capturing the freshman’s final throes. “This is an amazing discovery,” says Katz. “The story is so fascinating, I’m reconsidering my thesis topic.”

EVANSTON—In a shocking turn of events, Evanston police arrested three NU students for painting a rock-like structure late Friday night.

“Those kids had a good three buckets of paint,” said police commissioner Danny Buckter. “They were slopping paint all over the place. Graffiti just can’t be tolerated on campus.”

Buckter added, “You would think that the kids at Northwestern would have their heads screwed on right. I guess the SATs don’t test you on civic responsibility!”

Mary Finkel, a Weinberg sophomore arrested for taking part in the vandalism, was utterly bewildered.

“I don’t get this,” said Finkel. “I thought that was completely allowed, I mean, there was a lot of paint on that rock before we even got there! I thought that was a thing students did here!”

Finkel was one of the three students arrested, along with Brad Harris and John Murrow while attempting to raise awareness for their fundraiser on Sunday. The three were members of the student group, GlobalReach, whose fundraiser was focused on raising money for underprivileged children in Vietnam.

“I’m glad I caught those delinquents when I did,” recalled Buckter. “Who knows what subversive, dirty things they could have written on that rock. As it’s in such a central location on campus, it’s likely that everyone would have seen it and its radical message. As a result, it’s probable that students would have gained increased awareness of the world outside of Northwestern and consequently donate the funds that normally went towards Ugg boots and Starbucks coffee to charity. The very infrastructure of the community might have collapsed — without NU students stimulating the Evanston economy, who knows what would happen?”

“I can’t believe this,” said Murrow, who recently posted bail. “Seriously, I know people who have painted that rock before. Who is this guy that arrested us? Is he new in town?”

Harris, who still hasn’t been granted his phone call at the penitentiary, agreed with Murrow.

“This is ludicrous,” said Harris. “Absolutely ludicrous.”

In the aftermath of the incident, opinions among Northwestern students were mixed.     

“That’s actually kind of funny,” said Stan Nash, a Weinberg junior. “I mean, it’s like, what the hell?”

“I think that is a terrible thing,” said Cyndy Li, a McCormick senior. “Graffiti can not and should not be tolerated on campus. Commissioner Buckter is a brave man.”

Li is a transfer student who has been attending classes for almost two days.

Morton Schapiro, also new to campus, honored Buckter in a press conference early this morning.

“I don’t see myself as a hero,” said Buckter later upon questioning. “I just call it doing my job. Someone has to put an end to teenage shenanigans, and I guess, today, that someone was me. I’m just glad that I arrived on the scene when I did. I would never have forgiven myself if that graceful monument had suffered the great degradation of one more coat of paint.”