EVANSTON – Weinberg Senior Kevin Pandolph turned in his senior thesis statement three weeks before graduation, reported the Office of Undergraduate Advising. Pandolph, a political science major and member of Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity, decided he needed to do something to distinguish himself from his peers as he begins his job search, and decided to apply for honors in his major.

“I realized just how average my resume is,” said Pandolph. “I have a 2.2 GPA, I don’t have any leadership positions, unless you count being The Guy Who Lends His Car to People in His Frat, and I haven’t had a job since I quit working in the Hinman mailroom freshman year. God, that job sucked! My boss was a jerk and smelled bad, I kept getting paper cuts, I got really bored, it was really boring, sometimes I got paper cuts, my boss often had pieces of spinach stuck in his teeth, it was boring, did you know the edges of paper are really sharp, and you shouldn’t ever work in the Hinman mail room. God that job sucked.”

Pandolph only stopped ranting about the Hinman mailroom when reminded he was being interviewed about his senior thesis.

“Right, so writing a thesis statement is really easy, and you get honors for it! That’ll make me stand out to employers. I should probably start looking for a job, because my parents said they won’t let me live in their basement after I graduate.”

Pandolph explained that since high school he’s been told that the thesis is the most important part of any paper, because it tells the reader exactly what will be discussed. “I’m so good at thesises,” said Pandolph. “But I hate writing the rest of the paper. I can’t believe you can get honors just for writing a thesis!”

Upon turning in his thesis statement, Pandolph’s advisor thanked him for his hard work and said the only way he would be able to find a place to live after college would be to steal the key to his parent’s house.