LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.”

Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered some sort of key, but I’m not biting just yet,” said Stern through mouthfuls of gold-encrusted caviar flakes. “If the lockout belt is going to be unlatched, Mr. Bryant will need to bring something else to the table in these negotiations. We need to stop with the prenuptials and get this relationship back on track. Put a ring on this finger.” Beyonce Knowles refused to comment, despite having recorded the best video of all time on the subject.

Having made an impulse purchase of a dozen diamond rings in 2003, after meeting a 19-year old pawn dealer in Eagle County, Colorado, Bryant was well prepared for this response. “I kind of expected this reaction, but I’m not sweating. The Black Mamba always finds a way to slither into the underbrush.”

Other NBA players are not quite sold on the new negotiation tactic, now being referred to by Metta World Peace (née Ron Artest, really) as “Please the White Man.”

Recently, humility advocate LeBron James met with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, to discuss the possibility of playing an entirely new sport. “I think I’m taking my talents to South Wales,” stated the athlete. Sandy Brown, general manager of the South Wales Fencing team, was thrilled to hear the new announcement. “We couldn’t be more excited to have to Tiger Woods come play for us.”

The following afternoon, paparazzi captured an image of Delonte West passionately embracing Kutilda Woods, Tiger’s proud mother.

While no final solution has been reached between the two bickering parties, ESPN NBA Analyst Jhadi White made a poignant point about the state of the basketball union: “It’s like the Civil War. Bryant plowed the fields of ole’ David E. Lee’s untamed turf. But we don’t have a Dominatrix Court House situation yet.”

CHICAGO—Image-conscious afternoon television host Jerry Springer formally announced Saturday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a four-year, $25 million endorsement deal, ensuring that The Jerry Springer Show will have the backing of Woods’ now-considerable white-trash marketing power for the foreseeable future.

“Let’s face it, Tiger is now the most marketable and well-liked athlete for my audience,” Springer said. “He’s someone who exhibits many of the lowlife qualities our show presents on a daily basis. It’s an honor to have Tiger on board to help promote the show.”

This is the first new endorsement deal for Woods since reports of infidelity poured out after his neighborhood car accident. Many of his previous sponsors have since relieved Woods of his spokesman duties.

“Tiger is not only the best at what he does, but he’s also able to fake a supposed professional demeanor—he’s a true swinger, and that’s what we’re looking for,” Springer added. “He has all the qualities I want people to think of when they think ‘Jerry Springer Show.’”

“Jerry Springer is a great guy to work with,” Woods told The Flipside reporters. “I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life, and this is the perfect way to do it. It’s apparent that everyone who goes on The Jerry Springer Show finds the right path. Jerry’s ‘final thoughts’ should put me back on top of the golfing world in no time.”

Springer is busy arranging a special primetime edition of the show that would feature Woods, his wife, and all of the alleged mistresses in Tiger’s life. If that is not good TV, what is? Jerry! Jerry!

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—In a press conference today, Tiger Woods retracted his previous earth-shattering statement: “I’m human and I’m not perfect.” Woods claimed that he recently realized that these generic labels were insufficient to describe him. “I’m also a man,” he said. “And I’m a Neo-Freudian now.” The famed golfer sought psychiatric treatment when the details of his unsavory personal life came to the attention of the media. Woods believes that this decision has changed his entire perspective on his life.

“After an intense weekend of lying on the psychoanalytic couch, I’ve finally realized what the real problem is,” Woods told reporters. “Ever since I can remember, the game of golf has obsessed me. Many nights, I wake up in a hot sweat from recurring nightmares of balls, clubs, and holes. They call to me across the curvaceous hills and valleys of the green. The wind rippling through the water hazards seems to whisper one single word: ‘Gimme.’ These holes need to be filled, and I’m the only one who can do it for them.”

Woods’s therapist, the revered Dr. Ziggy Fraud, reflected that his patient’s career considerably impaired his personal life. “When Mr. Woods could golf, he could find the satiation of sublimation by sinking a putt. However, when he could not release his passion constructively, he was forced to find something else to sink, so to speak. I believe that Mr. Woods is a very selfless man. Like football players taught to tackle and basketball players indoctrinated into the worship of the hoop, Woods sacrifices the health of his sexual life to our enjoyment every day. These courageous men deserve only our tolerance and respect, as they are driven to find symbolic, existential emptiness through which to toss their balls.”