COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder.

“I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs. They haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years. In any other city, people would start following soccer.” The city, says Blagojevich, has the patience to wait at least another four years, if not another four decades.

César Maia, mayor of Rio de Janeiro, the winning city, refused to acknowledge the purchase to The Flipside’s reporters. “There’s no evidence of corruption here in Rio. Our politics are as clean as our streets. Make sure you put something in your article about how no one gets kidnapped here. Crime in Rio is just an urban legend.” It seems obvious that Blagojevich speaks the truth. Chicago’s elimination in the first round of the voting process reeks of corruption, as does the fact that Rio de Janeiro is already hosting the World Cup in 2014.

“I didn’t just give this up for fucking nothing,” added Blagojevich. In return, Chicago has purchased one of the world’s largest festivals, known as “Carnaval.” Rio may have the summer Games in 2016, but the city of Chicago will be partying down Michigan Avenue twice a year for seemingly no reason. And you people thought traffic was going to suck because of the Olympics. Shame on you.

BOULDER JUNCTION, WI—In what is being called revolutionary and ground-breaking news around the country, the simple couple from Boulder Junction, Wisconsin, Mary and Timothy Dawson, have high hopes that they will adopt a highway.

The Dawson’s had been trying to have a child for the past three years, but it just wasn’t working. “We went to our doctor,” Mary said, “and he told us we were going to have to look at other options. He suggested possible sperm donation, or adopting a child, but none of these were for us.”

Timothy Dawson was insistent that, “we do it right,” and he wanted their parenting experience to be all it should be.

I asked the Dawson’s, as an inquisitive reporter, the obvious question: What led you to adopt a highway?
“Well, Flagstaff,” Mary said as she became starry-eyed, “it was more of a split second decision. Timmy and I were driving down I-77 and we saw the adopt-a-highway sign and we knew. It’s one of those intuitive things that’s too hard to explain.”

“I think we picked him because he was so cute,” Tim Dawson said. “He has these nice curves and beautiful forests surrounding him. I’m not saying he’s not rough around the edges (aren’t we all),” he chuckled, “I mean there’s the industrial plant here and there, but on the whole he is just a wonderful thing.”

The Dawson’s have been very influential in the upbringing of their highway. They have been to private traffic school on many occasions to make sure that they give only the best to their adopted-son, who they call Ronny.

“We try to be with him every day. We really stress the importance of hygiene and cleanliness, but for some reason he always seems to have garbage and bottles all over his room,” Mary said. “Kids these days.”

The adoption papers are still underway, but the Dawson’s are very happy with their adopted highway. “So far, it’s really all we hoped it would be, and so much more,” said Mary. “I couldn’t have asked for a better part of I-77.”