HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart, star of the recently released Breaking Dawn film, has finally displayed some recognizable emotion other than apathy, The Flipside reports.

Known for her unorthodox methods that generally revolve around an inability to portray human traits or emotions, Stewart has always credited her success to the techniques of method acting. Method acting, a practice first developed in New York theatres in the 1930s, involves deeply immersing oneself in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the portrayed character.

“I’m like, really good at most vegetables, and I can do furniture,” says Stewart. “However, Bella Swan has always been a challenge. I knew that I’d have some trouble fully portraying the character’s wide emotional range, so I decided to try out a different kind of role in preparation for the epic fourth movie.”

Instead of her usual grueling preparations for Bella, which involve several days in isolation imitating trees, statues, and posters of herself, Stewart decided to immerse herself in the character of “EdwardzchicaXOXO,” creator of renowned Twilight fan site and self-proclaimed “Edward Cullen Groupie.” Along with extensive perusal of the site itself, Stewart met with the fan on several occasions, discussing the tween’s potent feelings for the fictional vampire hunk.

“Most 7th grade girls are obsessed with my co-star, but this chick takes the fucking cake,” remarks Stewart. “After reciting an entire chapter of New Moon word for word, she showed me her Edward shrine. I won’t go into detail about that part for your sake, but let’s just say I was convinced that she is the biggest Twilight fan out there.”

Stewart’s training with EdwardzchicaXOXO was evidently successful, as seen in Breaking Dawn. The actress altered her facial features significantly around 20 minutes into the film, during a scene in which she and Edward Cullen have sexual relations for the first time since the beginning of their frustratingly tense, many-year relationship.

“It was like, so gratifying to see that my work with Edwardzchica paid off,” gushes Stewart, dragging heavily on a cigarette and spray-painting her hair blacker. “Now that I’ve been able to alter my facial expressions, maybe I can move onto changing the intonation and pitch of my voice as well.”

EVANSTON — After news broke of Kim Kardashian’s decision to divorce husband of 72 days Kris Humphries, picketers have overrun Northwestern’s sorority quad. Wishing to show their disapproval of the divorce, sorority girls are all coming together to attempt to form a coherent opinion about something in the news.

Sophomore Ashley Carroll of Kappa Gamma stated, “I just don’t think it’s fair that Kim is disappointing all her fans by getting a divorce. It just sets a bad example for those of us excited about marriage and true love.”

Other sorority sisters were seen making signs declaring, “DON’T GIVE UP ON LOVE KIMMY” and “YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T DO THIS IN SEASON 3, EPISODE 7” to inspire Kardashian to work things out with Humphries.

“I have watched all 47 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and I know that Kim would never marry someone just for money or publicity,” junior Marissa Jenkins of Tri-Sigma remarked. “Anyone who says otherwise is obviously not a real Kim fan.”

Chi Omega Delta senior Jenna Cahill stated in closing: “We would like to extend an invitation for all NU girls to join us for a Twilight movie marathon before the release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 on November 18^th. We think this is an irreplaceable opportunity to bond with other girls over a great example of what it means to really find true love.”

EVANSTON—If you ask any member of the Evanston vampire community, you’ll find they have something that’s been bothering them: they are getting pretty goddamn tired of spending all their time at Burger King.

According to one such vampire, Count Wilhelm Von Terror, the Evanston undead scene lacks nearly all the amenities found in nearly all other cities. “Basically, you have two types of vampire hotspots around the world. There are your old vampire communities like Transylvania, where you spend most of your nights either drinking the blood of virgins or hiding from crowds of torch-bearing villagers crying, ‘Kill the monster!’ Then there are your ‘new’ vampire communities like Forks, Washington, where you spend your time falling in love with angsty high-schoolers and fighting werewolves,” said Von Terror. “But here in Evanston you don’t have any of that. The only thing open at night is Burger King.”

The most commonly-cited of the vampires’ complaints with Burger King is the establishment’s clientele. Accustomed to lavish European courts filled with seductive, intelligent maidens and strong, virtuous heroes, most vampires feel something akin to culture shock when they discover the vast majority of Burger King patrons are either mentally ill vagrants or college students so shitfaced they are willing to eat Burger King. “If I was going to find a bride of Dracula or Bella Swan, it wouldn’t be here,” said teenage vampire Francis Killmore. “Basically, my choices here are that old obese woman who sleeps out back by the dumpsters and a sorority girl so drunk she got kicked out for puking all over the cash register.”

Evanston officials could not be reached for comment as they had all already gone to bed.

EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything…

No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as empty as the girl’s volleyball stands and is as boring as Elder’s food selection.

For those not cool enough to come equipped with the Jon Belushi “College” poster or a Bob Marlee poster, salvation is around the corner at the poster sale (it is only a sale because things are being sold, not because prices are remotely reasonable). Praise Norris.

So the closet homosexual buys a nice poster of a girl’s bosom.

So the kid who has never been to first base buys a bikini poster so he shows everybody that he knows how to hit a home run.

So the girl buys a Twilight poster to try and justify her Goth related disorder.

More often than not, the posters turn out to be more interesting than the kid who bought them. That science nerd with the Star Trek ring tone has a fucking sweet poster of NASA bombing the moon. Hopefully, they kill that man living up there. I heard it is Osama Bin Laden.

The movie buff—who probably is only going to movies because he can’t find somebody to hang out with or has yet to acquaint himself with our good friend Mr. Alcohol—has a tight mafia poster. However, the only thing that kid ever stole was from an NU dining hall. Odds are the IMDB homepage kid looked incredibly suspicious as he stuffed cookies in his backpack while glancing away and whistled out of the dining hall.

I mean, come on. Everybody takes food from the dining hall. It’s like punching a baby in the face, or however that expression goes.

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Mitch Skillman

Dear Mitch,

I’m glad you asked, as there are a lot of really cool places where really cool people hang out and do really cool stuff. For instance, there is a popular vampire-themed dance club in the 28th sub-basement of Tech. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with Twilight, many engineers simply find that long hours in Tech tend to instill a fear of the sun they haven’t seen in years and a taste for the blood of humanities majors.

For those looking for an older, more experienced crowd, Pick-Staiger includes a swingers club which is run in conjunction with the Northshore Retirement Hotel. Also not to be underestimated is the Cliff Diving Club, which meets on the lakefill at 2:00 on Wednesday mornings. While it is true that nothing even slightly resembling a cliff can be seen within miles of the lakefill, it’s certainly entertaining to watch them try.

Finally, for the truly adventurous, the nightly orgies on the roof of Slivka are not to be missed, especially in January. And you wondered why they never go outside.