Ugh. I could totally get in here. This is dumb. I don’t even know why you would want to come to school here. Like Willie the Wildcat? Seriously? Dumb. This place is probably full of UChicago rejects. My (insert standardized state tests here) scores were in the 99^th percentile. I got a letter from the Governor, the actual Governor of (insert state with said standardized test here). Northwestern would be my super safety. I’m the smart one. Mom told me.

This tour guide just mispronounced the name of that building. Krez-gee? That should be Krez-guh. Duh. I mean, I would know. I took German after school for three months in third grade. The teacher said I was a natural. I bet I wouldn’t even need to take their language requirement here, which is dumb. An ugly building called “Tech?” Also dumb. There’s still snow on the ground? Super dumb.

Where even are we? A big pond? You probably can’t even swim in it because those freaky fish might eat you. What is the tour guide even saying? Something about a bunch of students dancing in a tent? Dumb. A million dollars isn’t even that much. I could probably raise that with, like, a bake sale. I bet they can’t even dance. I can though. I had the best score in the class on the flexibility test in gym.

This is the worst. Maybe if I roll my eyes one more time Mom will let me leave, except she keeps asking dumb questions. Of course they have vegan food. Of course the tour guide studied abroad in Spain. Of course the library has 352,294,637 books. This is literally the same exact tour as WashU. I mean I could probably give this tour and do a better job.

Ugh. I wish I was at home watching Pretty Little Liars right now. Jessica even said her mom would have dropped her off at my house.

On January 30^th, 2012, The Keg of Evanston closed following the revocation of its liquor license due to multiple violations of underage drinking. Northwestern University students came together in mourning the end of those crazy, drunken nights at the Keg.

Students were bound to be upset about the ruling, but no one anticipated the mass exodus from the university. Nearly one third of the student body has applied to transfer elsewhere rather than remain in a Keg-less Evanston. The top 3 schools students are applying to are Arizona State University, University of Chicago, and the University of Wisconsin at Madison.

“I came here for the academics, but I wanted to party, too,” Weinberg junior Jason Palmer said. “With the Keg gone, I’d rather go to a decent school where I can get wasted and get an OK degree.”

Surveys show that 98% of Northwestern students went to the Keg regularly, while over 80% of students chose Northwestern for the Keg after visiting the establishment as prospective students.

McCormick freshman, Michael Cho, stated, “With the Keg gone, UChicago is way better than Northwestern. I’m trying to get out of here quick!”

It’s a sad day when Northwestern students can say UChicago is more fun than NU. It’s no surprise a third of the study population is transferring. In other news, this will be my last article for the Northwestern Flipside. I’ll be transferring to the University of Alabama in a few days. Roll Tide Roll.

Rest in peace, Keg of Evanston, rest in peace.

EVANSTON – A team of students from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism released a report Tuesday revealing a widespread conspiracy by the University of Chicago to suck the fun out of Evanston.

According to the report, numerous members of the Evanston City Council had close ties to UChicago, whose students often jokingly refer to their alma mater as “where fun goes to die.” The administrators apparently received substantial campaign contributions from members of the university’s administration. In turn, the UChicago administration was able to lobby for — and in some cases even draft — legislation which would slowly leech all of the fun out of living in the Evanston area.

“It’s really not that surprising,” explained Medill senior Josh Thompson, who headed the report. “When you look at some of the laws in Evanston – bans on skipping and bowling, restrictions on Trick-or-Treating, the Brothel Law, et cetera – you realize that such ludicrous attacks on fun could have only been proposed by Evanston-hating enemies of fun. Obviously we suspected UChicago from early on. Following the paper trail simply confirmed our suspicions.”

Thompson, however, was unable to discover the reason for the conspiracy. “We’re unsure of the exact motive,” he said. “It could definitely be envy for Northwestern, but it’s equally likely that this was just the first step in a bigger plot to rid the whole world of fun.”

The report also detailed UChicago’s plans for future Evanston legislation, including a stricter version of the Brothel Law and bans on bubble gum, audible music, and the laughter of children. Most shockingly, a plan to effectively enforce the legal drinking age of 21 was uncovered.

University of Chicago president Robert Zimmer lamented: “And we would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those Medilling kids.”

CHICAGO—Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago.

Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of worldwide nuclear disarmament). Residing in the “hearty” south side of Chicago, the University of Chicago has recently furthered its rather “uncommon” application.

Nix nearly fainted among glancing at the envelope. It had the word “Congratulations” written in bold. “My parents made me apply there,” said Nix. “I went on a tour there. I can only describe it as a black hole of emotion. I left campus joyless, pale, and trembling.”

Fortunately for Nix, the enclosed letter informed him of his rejection. “I was so relieved,” added Nix. “The thought of hanging out with UChicago kids for four years wanted to make me enlist in the army.”

Starting this year, only rejected applicants will receive the big congratulation envelopes. Accepted applicants will receive small, discrete letters. “We thought we’d change our notification system this year,” a UChicago admissions officer told The Flipside. “Too many students were disappointed when they opened our congratulation letters to find that they had been accepted. This new system is more appropriate given the overwhelmingly common emotional response.”

It will be some time before he hears back from Stanford, but Nix hasn’t taken his UChicago rejection harshly. “Regardless of where I end up, I know I’ll still be sane four years from now.”

CORRECTIONS: In last week’s piece on the recent high-energy particle tests conducted by University of Chicago scientists, the requisite slew of juvenile rival-school trash-talk was left out. The Northwesten Flipside regrets this omission.