WASHINGTON – Congress has voted down the latest edition of President Obama’s jobs bill that would have legally required Americans to get jobs. The proposal was met with fierce opposition from Congressmen who would rather sit on their asses instead.

The vote has been interpreted by political analysts as a legislative act defending the rights of the lazy. Senators gave impassioned speeches about the freedom to “do absolutely nothing” and to “be a couch potato,” saying that Americans have a constitutional right to “bum around.”

“We cannot let this administration take away our right to be lazy! Laziness is as American as apple pie and television!” shouted enraged Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican.

When introducing the bill, President Obama said that he thought the best way to lower unemployment was to make it illegal to not have a job. However, this quickly caused dissent from Congress refusing giving up their right to lounge about anytime soon.

Some members of Congress argue that simply protecting the right of Americans to laze around is not enough, that they should get rid of work altogether. Unconfirmed sources report that Steve Jobs’ death was a Tea Party plot. “I looked up “jobs” on Google and this guy came up; he was the only thing standing in the way of me and my La-Z-Boy,” said a Republican senator, who wished to remain anonymous.

WASHINGTON—With the DOW closing just above 7,850 on Friday, economists are predicting that the worst has yet to come. A mortgage crisis, depreciation of the dollar, and a failed economic policy by the Bush administration are largely to blame for tough economic conditions. With companies forced to cut down on spending, laying off workers was inevitable. Unemployment has reached its highest rate in years, 7.6%, that according to the United States Department of Labor.

Spokesman for the Department of Labor, Shaun Chandler, was reluctant to share some of the government’s findings on the struggling economy. “Things are not looking up right now,” he stated in a press conference on Friday. “The federal government is doing everything in its power to sort through this mess and eventually bring relief to the people.”

With a very capable workforce unable to receive a paycheck, Chandler was asked when the relief would come. “We’re really working on it…You know, we can’t do everything here. I know there are millions without work, but it is not exactly like they are helping themselves.”

A new study by the department found that laid off Americans were not helping their situation. The study determined that 78% of those no longer receiving a salary “are doing very little to help the struggling economy.” Director of the study, Samuel Chastere, explained that “These laid off whathaveyous are not putting any money into the economy. If they don’t start buying things, I’m not sure we’ll ever get out of this mess.”

Betsy Schlieden, who recently retired from United Airlines, believes the unemployed are to blame for a weak economy. “The unemployed have abandoned their patriotic duties. They are spending far less than the people with jobs.” The unemployed have, however, helped one industry in particular. The alcohol industry has shown impressive numbers early in the first quarter.