EVANSTON—If you ask any member of the Evanston vampire community, you’ll find they have something that’s been bothering them: they are getting pretty goddamn tired of spending all their time at Burger King.

According to one such vampire, Count Wilhelm Von Terror, the Evanston undead scene lacks nearly all the amenities found in nearly all other cities. “Basically, you have two types of vampire hotspots around the world. There are your old vampire communities like Transylvania, where you spend most of your nights either drinking the blood of virgins or hiding from crowds of torch-bearing villagers crying, ‘Kill the monster!’ Then there are your ‘new’ vampire communities like Forks, Washington, where you spend your time falling in love with angsty high-schoolers and fighting werewolves,” said Von Terror. “But here in Evanston you don’t have any of that. The only thing open at night is Burger King.”

The most commonly-cited of the vampires’ complaints with Burger King is the establishment’s clientele. Accustomed to lavish European courts filled with seductive, intelligent maidens and strong, virtuous heroes, most vampires feel something akin to culture shock when they discover the vast majority of Burger King patrons are either mentally ill vagrants or college students so shitfaced they are willing to eat Burger King. “If I was going to find a bride of Dracula or Bella Swan, it wouldn’t be here,” said teenage vampire Francis Killmore. “Basically, my choices here are that old obese woman who sleeps out back by the dumpsters and a sorority girl so drunk she got kicked out for puking all over the cash register.”

Evanston officials could not be reached for comment as they had all already gone to bed.

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Mitch Skillman

Dear Mitch,

I’m glad you asked, as there are a lot of really cool places where really cool people hang out and do really cool stuff. For instance, there is a popular vampire-themed dance club in the 28th sub-basement of Tech. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with Twilight, many engineers simply find that long hours in Tech tend to instill a fear of the sun they haven’t seen in years and a taste for the blood of humanities majors.

For those looking for an older, more experienced crowd, Pick-Staiger includes a swingers club which is run in conjunction with the Northshore Retirement Hotel. Also not to be underestimated is the Cliff Diving Club, which meets on the lakefill at 2:00 on Wednesday mornings. While it is true that nothing even slightly resembling a cliff can be seen within miles of the lakefill, it’s certainly entertaining to watch them try.

Finally, for the truly adventurous, the nightly orgies on the roof of Slivka are not to be missed, especially in January. And you wondered why they never go outside.