TECH LR34 – I’ve gotten a lot of emails about my last column (Volume 1, Issue 18: “What to Do When Someone Says ‘Hi’ to You on Sheridan Road”). Many of you had trouble comprehending the diagrams and problem sets. If you would like a copy of the Reverse Engineering teacher’s manual, please send me $50 via PayPal.

This week, we’re addressing your most-requested issue: the mechanics of The Bra. It may be intimidating, but don’t let your inexperience supersede any opportunity to study this phenomena in the field. Today, we’re focusing on the first step, removal.

1. Take off the female’s shirt at an angle between 150° and 210°.

2. Ask her if she is OK.

[At this point, you should be seeing some new stimuli. Please refer to the diagram for reference]

3. Search for the clasping device. It performs two functions: hooking and unhooking. Push clasp (2 cm by 1 cm) towards the back. Unhinge the clasping device.

4. Ask her if she is OK.

5. Slide the brassiere off her body, factoring in material and speed to ensure no discomfort or tension on her part.

6. Keep your protractor in your pants. Tuck it in if need be. Do not let the female know your excitement level is outside the normal bell curve.

Now what? There are a couple of different solutions, but make sure to keep these principles in mind:
• Make Eye Contact (MEC).
• Remember that your homework can wait.
• Do not complain about your homework load or that you have far more homework than everyone else in this school combined.

Next week, I will explain what a “Weinberg” is and how it works.

EVANSTON—Hundreds of freshmen students have voiced complaints against the inadequate time professors spend on preparations for midterm examinations.  Virgins to the quarter system, their groans reached a climax on Tuesday, when French professor Jim Levenstein announced that students would begin their oral exams two weeks ahead of schedule.

“It’s not fair,” moaned freshman Nadia Horner, a student of Professor Levenstein. “just as I’m totally getting into the class and learning some new things, he tells us we have to perform our oral tomorrow in front of everyone.”

Other departments also have early examinations.  Those enrolled in Introduction to Christianity are required to present a report on European missionary positions to the department chair in two days. Students taking Genetics and Evolution must prove their knowledge of unzipping genes to a panel of elderly male teachers tomorrow.

However, many see the underlying problem not in premature examinations, but a general lack of respect for freshmen by university faculty.  This can cause inadequate preparation and poor technique instruction. “Professors just give us the shaft for the exams,” gasped Kam Sutra (WCAS 2014), “I wouldn’t mind them coming early if they touched on our needs.  They see a freshman student as merely another notch on their desks before they leave. They give the seniors all their attention.”

“Sometimes I feel like an object,” moaned Ben Dover (Medill 2014), “they just keep going and going without even looking at us, then they leave without talking to us and don’t even say good-bye.”

When asked what advice the University has for freshmen, Megan Elektra, an academic advisor, offered the following tips: “Go to office hours, where you can get one-on-one time.  Study more.  Study all night long.  Study until you scream.”

“Remember: the professor is the dominant player in the relationship.  Satisfy his or her needs, and he or she will satisfy yours.”