SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria.

The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.”

“It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination than a burger and freedom fries,” said stoner Lance Feinbud. “Today is a very special day for us, especially here in Cali.”

After the final out, thousands of fans hung around AT&T Park appearing to be celebrating a historic victory. In reality, most of those who stayed to watch the post-game festivities were simply admiring the pretty lights that came from the camera flashes.

Newspaper reports indicated that thousands of people attended the Giants’ victory parade, but it was discovered later that most people were there for a far different reason. General Tso’s Command Center, a small restaurant in Chinatown, was holding an egg-roll giveaway in celebration of the victory. “Everyone knows that Chinese food is godly when you’re stoned,” said Marley Jackson, a local unemployed musician. “This must be how people feel when they see Jesus and stuff.”

30,000 pounds of the finest ganja was expected to be shipped in for the victory parade, but it was seized at the U.S.-Mexico border by Snoop Dogg and his entourage who were short on chronic. “I had my Tanqueray, but how could I roll down the street sipping on gin and juice without smoking Indo?” said the rapper.

No one was more apathetic about the victory than star slugger Barry Bonds, who went to bed during the seventh inning as he was scheduled to appear the next morning at the local middle school to warn young student athletes about the dangers of drug abuse.

Reports that he later smoked a joint with Ricky Williams have not been confirmed.

EVANSTON—Local farmer Buck Jansen was involved in a drug bust Thursday after selling marijuana to local mobster Joe Zamboni, authorities said. Jansen, a highly respected farmer in the area, is best known for his completion of Level Two Daffodil Mastery after just one day of farming.

Locals are shocked at this sudden turn of morality. “Last time I checked his page, Jansen had rescued a lonely pink cow from his farm,” said Farmville resident Johnson Smith. “He was always willing to help others fertilize their crops,” said Smith’s wife, Marion. “He always shared his mystery white eggs with us.”

After creating quite an impressive farm, filled with several crops and livestock, Jansen grew tired and wanted to move onto bigger and better agricultural pursuits. After illegally watching the showtime program Weeds online, Jansen said he realized the only way to make the most money in Farmville and to finally beat all of the friends he met in chat rooms was to grow and sell drugs.

“It made perfect sense to me. Luckily, moments after I thought of the idea, Mafia Wars came on the news [feed] and I knew just what to do,” Jansen said, without remorse.

Zamboni, an avid player of Mafia Wars, was pleased to do business with Jansen. Although he would not comment, Jansen assured us that Zamboni loved the idea of the two great apps working together. “He kept sending me notifications to join his Mafia, so he must have known I could grow some pretty legit dope,” Jansen said.

Jansen remains happy despite this blemish on his previously-untarnished reputation. “All great stars need a scandal to really put them on the map,” he said. “I believe my drug operation shows my capacity as a farmer, and will only bring more blue ribbons to my farm.”

And what does the future hold for Jansen?

“When I get out of jail, I’m considering moving to Fishville,” he said. “Of course, I’ll still keep my farm, but I think fish are where the money is.”

EVANSTON—Oh shit it’s 4/20! Shit shit shit! What time is it? Holy 11:37!? That means I have … let me see … carry the three … 12 hours and 33 mi…no wait 12 hours and 24 minutes to smoke!

Where’s my stash, closet closet closet … crap it’s all gone! Must be Josh, that fucking weed-stealing d-bag, fucking stole all my fucking weed … where can I get some bud? Let me call Karl, he’ll have some … connecting … dammit connect! Karl! Karl it’s Doog! How’s it hangin broski … listen, dude, do you have any weed by any chance? C’mon man, it’s 4/20, can you help me score? YES sweet okay let me write it down … 3-8-6-6-7-9-9-0 Fairview Blvd. Okay sweet, thanks dawg!

Okay, I gotta get to this house man! What time…12:04!? I need to get there quick! Shit! Ummm … bike where’s my bike? Rack … no … garage … no … lawn … yes! Okay we are in gear. Okay, turn left, where’s Fairview, where’s Fairview, BIG TRUCK OH SHI