Flipside Exclusive!

EVANSTON – Reports indicate that Mayor Tisdahl has received a large sum of campaign donations from the ghost of renowned prohibitionist Francis Willard over the past few years. Leaked internal documents shows that Willard, lobbying on behalf of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, has provided thousands of dollars for Tisdahl’s campaign.

Tisdahl has denied that her rigid stance against drinking, brothels and happiness was influenced by the donations.

“I have always fought hard for the peace and safety of this city.” Said Tisdahl. “If that goal happens to coincide with the mission of the good people at the Temperance Union, then so be it.”

When reached for comment, Willard replied “Boo.”

EVANSTON – Willard residents have decided to take drastic measures in order to retain their title as the “Greenest Dorm (With a Dining Hall) on Campus” from the Green Cup last year. Most notably, all Willardites will forgo showers for the entire month of February to win the prestigious title in 2011.

“Not showering for a whole month is really going to help secure our victory,” said Willard president Jackson Drapple. “Not to mention that it’s been proven that not taking showers really helps reduce global warming.” 

Drapple said that Willard is conserving energy in a variety of other ways as well, such as using outhouses instead of the bathrooms, refraining from washing hands, dishes or clothes, studying by crank light, and destroying the laptops of anyone found using the Internet. 

Some residents are going above and beyond and coming up with their own ways to save water and electricity.

“I’m going to poison all the food in the dining hall so that people who eat it get sick and don’t eat here anymore,” said Willard sophomore Melissa Auburn. “Then they’ll all go to Hinman and use up all their energy every day, not just on weekends when we’re closed.”

The Green Cup is expected to promote environmental awareness as well as a sense of school unity and friendly competition. 

“We really just want to make a difference in the environment,” Drapple said as noxious fumes radiated from his unwashed body. “Well, that, and prove to those obnoxious Elder people that we aren’t losers who never do anything fun! Not only does winning mean we get a whole brand new set of light bulbs for the building, but we get bragging rights for an entire year, and you just know everyone on campus is going to wish they were us. We’re going to crush them.”

EVANSTON—Transfer student John Wilkes Booth has been on an “Assassins” rampage lately, “killing” six targets last night with surprising cunning and skill. As the game comes down to its final players, many are calling Booth the favorite because of his sneak tactics.

“He just came out of a supply closet and hit me right between the eyes,” said Shmabraham Shmincoln, one of Booth’s victims. “It was really creepy, now that I think about it. The whole time he had this crazy look on his face. And he shouted ‘Thus always to tyrants!’ right afterwards. I wasn’t really sure what his deal was.”

Booth’s next target is unknown, but reports have surfaced of the new student muttering something about a play being shown at Shanley Pavilion this weekend. It is rumored that an important figure will be attending that play, a very important figure indeed.

Anna Stevenson is one of the remaining females left. She plans to stay near a safe zone at all times. “My plan is simple, if I can stay in Willard cafeteria at all hours of the day, I can’t lose. The only problem is I can’t find any clean socks. I’ll just have to use the ones I’ve been wearing for three or so days now.”

Other students were taking a different angle on Booth’s killing spree. “Killing a lot is he? Well I’ll just have to ramp up my total, now won’t I?” said University of Texas-Dallas transfer Lee Harvey Oswald. “Will I have an accomplice? Maybe…or maybe not. Maybe I’ll have three! Game on, good sir, game on!”

Point: Vote for Soter

By Dan Mnemonic

Kevin Soter is a student at Northwestern University. He lives in Willard. It is for these reasons you should vote for him.

Counterpoint: If You’re a Voter, Don’t Pick Soter

By Hans Sardine

Doris McKenzie (83) was hospitalized last month with a serious, but curable lung illness. Doctors thought the prognosis was good for the mother of 3, grandmother of 11. Kevin Soter had other ideas. While Mrs. McKenzie was healing, Soter snuck into the hospital and, in cold blood, pulled out her breathing tube. She died in only 42 minutes. Unfortunately, thanks to fancy lawyering, Soter was sentenced to only 9 months probation.

But what is more depressing is the harsh aftermath of Soter’s crime. Mrs. McKenzie’s children were unable to pay back the bank, who had recently loaned her $500,000 for a new house. The failure to pay back this loan sent the bank so far in the red that they were forced to shut down. This set off a chain reaction, as other banks were forced to shut down, causing the financial crisis we are in today. So, when you’re dad gets laid off from work and you have to transfer to Amy Winehouse Community College because it’s all you can afford, you know who is to blame: Kevin Soter.

But after destroying the world economy, Soter decided to attack a larger target: Willard’s precious test files. His campaign for Academic Chair has already been marked by scandal: early last week, evidence was found linking him to known terrorist Anant Shah. Shah, the most actively sought member of the FBI’s Top 10 Most Wanted (See Room 515) and member of fringe organization American Emissaries for Truth, was reportedly working with Soter to send 3 tons of Uranium to Shepard. Is this traitor really a man we can trust? Moreover, videos of Soter have been uncovered in which he shouts all kinds of racial slurs, ranging from “#$&*” to “@#$%*&.”

Finally, even if these questions of character have not done enough to sway you, consider this: Soter’s roommate, Sam Fansler (who wished to remain anonymous), successfully stole his room keys and hid them in another student’s room. Soter, even after hours of looking, was unable to procure the keys. If this kind of ineptitude marks Soter’s personal life, how exactly can he handle the position of Academic Chair for this esteemed dormatory? Kevin Soter lost his keys. What will he do with your test files?

Let’s never find out.