Posted on 22 May 2009.
EVANSTON—Several members of the Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team, who (hopefully) just won their fifth national championship in as many years, are able to turn water into wine and perform other miracles, according to several sources close to the team.
“We went to a party to celebrate the championship,” said senior leader Hannah Nielsen, “but it was already dry. Luckily, that’s no problem for us. They fetched us some tap water, and the party really got started.” Attendees of the party were amazed at the quality of the wine, and the iridescent rays of light that beamed down upon the team as they performed the miracle.
Later, team members were seen playing a quick pickup game of lacrosse on top of Lake Michigan. “They were just running and jumping on top of the water like Jesus or something,” said passing sophomore Jacob Herman, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
God, creator of the universe, was equally impressed by the team’s impressive feats. “Yeah, I created the world in seven days,” explained the benevolent deity, “but five straight national championships? From a Midwest school? Are you kidding me?”
With the lacrosse season out of the way, the team should have more free time for personal matters. “I’m planning on ending world hunger, myself,” explained team member Katrina Dowd, “but everyone has their own goals. I think Hannah [Nielsen] mentioned dying for our sins or something, whatever that means.”