EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year.

“During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained.  “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure!  Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold.  It gets really cold in Chicago, right?  But after that for sure.”

Chad said that by the end of freshman year she hopes to eat dinner in Chicago at least once a month, go to four concerts, a play, three museums, explore Boystown, get her nose pierced and sneak onto the roof of a skyscraper at midnight.

“I’ve had a lot of work in my engineering classes, but I think I can learn to manage them enough to make some trips down to the city.  I mean, I have to go; I wrote about how awesome it would be to be so close to Chicago in my admissions essay!”

As of yesterday Chad was heard saying that she was still under the impression that the L ride down to the Loop would take “30 minutes, tops.”

In related news, Medill sophomore Brad Jansen said Tuesday that he, too, swears he’ll get around to going to Chicago to have some fun sometime in the next two and a half years.

EVANSTON—Registration for Winter Quarter begins this week at Northwestern, and students are absolutely thrilled.

“I hate all my classes!” joyfully exclaimed Weinberg freshman D.J. Grunthel. “I’m tired of them and ready for new classes that I will learn to hate!”

Upperclassmen concur that classes never get any better.

“I’ve had my share of quarters here,” said Medill junior Sarah Shamara. “I can’t remember enjoying any of them. But I am super psyched for a change in my classes! There certainly is some truth to that old saying, ‘Out of the frying pan and into the fire is what in college you shall acquire.’”

In addition to a new round of rigorous courses, students are also happily awaiting subzero temperatures, fierce winds, and an onslaught of ice and snow.

“I love Northwestern so much,” said Communications sophomore Daniel Tho. “I could have gone to school in California or Florida, where classes are easier and I could sleep and have a life, but I am just so happy here. Midwestern weather builds character, and a Northwestern education looks great on your resume.”

Daniel then proceeded to pull out his smartphone and post ten new submissions to fmylife.com.

EVANSTON—Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather.

“We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.”

Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s.

“Seriously, we were freaking out about global warming. I mean, it’s January. It’s supposed to be icy cold, not moderately chilly. For a while we thought we were too drunk to realize it was cold, but as it turns out, that had nothing to do with how warm last week was.”

Other members of the club shared similar sentiments of relief.

“We didn’t even need our thick jackets and mufflers. I saw a guy walking down Sheridan in a hoodie. A hoodie!” reported junior Wendy Frost, a member of the Coalition against Climate Change. “I’m just really glad to see all the people around with winter gear on again, especially those big, goofy hats.”

“I almost died last week,” said the snowman residing behind the Norris student center, an active member of the Coalition. “It was just too warm.”

However, not everyone on campus is happy that the frosty weather is back. Freshmen April Lim was overheard muttering, “I could have gone to Berkeley,” during a particularly strong wind gust.

The biggest loser in this entire situation seems to be freshmen theater major George Lebow, who mistakenly thought winter was over and sold all of his warm clothing in exchange for beer money. While Lebow will probably suffer the consequences of hypothermia, it is likely that he will not feel anything at all.

EVANSTON—In a press release issued late last week, a previously unknown coalition of Northwestern students from California and Florida announced that they would be suing the University for “misuse of the word ‘spring’.” This legal action comes after the discovery that weather during Spring Quarter was neither warm nor sunny.

“It’s just not fair,” whined a member of the group who spoke to The Flipside on condition of anonymity. “When I saw the words ‘Spring Quarter,’ I assumed that it would finally be warm again as soon as I returned from Spring Break. Instead, I discover that April isn’t all that different from February. Who needs four seasons anyway? I’ve spent most of my life with just one, and that’s fine with me.”

If successful in their suit, the group, who are unofficially calling themselves the Season Reform Movement, will demand that the names of the Northwestern academic terms be changed to Winter Quarter, More Winter Quarter, Still Winter Quarter, and No Air-conditioning Quarter.

The group will also request that the University look into possibilities for artificially heating the entire Evanston Campus to at minimum of 65° F from November through April. The group says that swift action is needed by administrators if they hope to impress this year’s round of admitted prospective students.

The group doesn’t understand what will happen at the end of the quarter. “When reading week comes along,” noted the group’s spokesman, “it’s going to be almost ninety degrees. That’s not spring. That’s summer. This school really needs to get its seasons right.”