CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years.

“We are excited and overjoyed to have Theo Epstein join us as the newest member of our organization. It has always been a priority for us to find people who have had success in the past, pay them an exorbitant amount of money, and have them underperform year after year.  We feel that Theo will be able to provide all the heartbreak and radio talk show fodder that Cubs fans need for the foreseeable future,” explained Cubs owner Joe Ricketts.

In 2004, Epstein led the Red Sox to their first World Series championship in 86 years, a feat Cubs fans call bush-league compared to their current 103 year drought.

Epstein however, took the high road in describing his previous accomplishment.  “It is a fact that more New Englanders died in the 86 years between Red Sox championships than there were casualties in World War II. That makes the Red Sox drought, which I ended, deadlier than Hitler and the Plague combined.”

Critics of the Cubs signing claim that the team faces the same risks that the Red Sox faced shortly after they signed Epstein, which include boosting attendance, ending their cherished losing streak, and becoming relevant in the baseball world.

Steve Bartman, a hero to hundreds of thousands of Cubs fans criticized the move. “Can you believe the risk Ricketts is taking in signing Theo? While I am sure in the long term he will continue our losing ways, we run the risk of actually winning a championship in the meantime.  If we win, that bastard will have ended a combined 189 years of losing tradition. Even the French haven’t lost for that long!”

Sources in DC report that the Washington Nationals, who haven’t made the World Series since 1969, are already in line to sign Epstein after he leaves the Cubs.

CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year.

It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball.

“Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me. I can’t stand watching Fox at this time of the year.”

Abbey, who is always trying to comfort her boyfriend’s Chicago-sports-induced temper tantrums, insisted that everything would work out in the end. “Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure the Cubs will win the Super Bowl someday.”

Gary then proceeded to roll his eyes, blurt out a couple of curse words, and down 4 shots of vodka all in the next two minutes.

“I really don’t see what his problem is,” added Abbey. “Always pouting over something. So the Cubs haven’t won a match in 10 years. At least the Blackhawks are good this season. I hear they score a lot of touchdowns.”

“Well, I suppose it could be worse,” thought Gary while clinging to a pair of Coronas, “I could be a…oh shit, what’s worse than a Cubs fan… [incomprehensible sobbing]… nothing.”

“I really wish you spent your money better,” Abbey pleaded to Gary. “If you would just stop wasting it on booze and ‘You Gotta Believe’ posters, you could save it for important things, like clothes.”

It was later confirmed that although Gary was upset by the World Series advertisement, he does think Glee is “fucking gay as shit” and that he should hate it because he “has a Y chromosome.” He would never let his girlfriend know that he hates her favorite show because “she does give great head.”

PITTSBURGH—The Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance.

According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young talent, recent victories over the Los Angeles Dodgers and impressive 28-17 record in games played where the temperature is precisely 62 degrees and the President’s first name starts with letter B in the month of May, the Pirates are a lock.

Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, “If you haven’t heard of starting pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, you will in the coming weeks.”

Although the Pirates are slated to be World Series Champions, the season is not lost for everyone. Albert Pujols is the expected National League MVP and is on pace to hit a mind-blowing 92 homers this year. Pujols has a batting average of .400 when he plays teams that start with a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Johann Santana also has a projected ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the Cy Young Award.

With all of the key components of the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is already warming up the Hot Stove for 2011 and beyond. According to Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, the Washington Nationals are the team that will fly under the radar in 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on the high school talent,” Ravech says.

SKOKIE, IL—They said it was impossible. Well, believe it! Yesterday, parents of the Skokie eight-and-under Little Leaguers witnessed a feat once thought to be unreachable. In a stunning four inning 25 to 23 nail-biter, the Cubs upset the heavily favored Athletics to capture their first World Series title in 101 years.

There’s usually no crying in baseball, but there are exceptions, especially when the conversation involves the Cubs. “When I found out I was on the Cubs this season,” explained seven year old Sam Sklare, “I started crying. The Cubs just never win. I wanted to be on a winning team.”

Many have speculated about the reason this popular franchise had gone so long without winning it all. “Whenever someone’s parents brought Kool Aid for the team snack,” second baseman Steven McMahon told Flipside reporters, “we would always lose. I think that had something to do with it.” Other theories include old man Barnaby’s black dog running across the field in 1969, denying a pet kangaroo entrance to the diamond in 1945, and Brett Eli’s stupid little sister reaching for a foul ball down the left field line in 2003. These theories are happily being put to rest.

It was a thrilling game on a cool Saturday morning. The Cubs’ starting pitcher went 2/3 of an inning, giving up thirteen runs on two hits, eleven walks, and thirteen errors. “[Zach Singer] gave us a great start. He almost threw two consecutive strikes,” noted Coach Dave. The Cubs rallied against the Athletics bullpen late in the bottom of the fourth until the game was stopped due to time constraints. A slow ground ball off the glove of the Athletics’ third baseman, subsequent throwing error by the Athletics’ left fielder, and a catching error by the Athletics’ catcher proved to be the difference.

“Coach Dave took us out for pizza afterwards,” added the Cubs’ right fielder. “I wanted to go to Disney World, but pizza is good too, I guess.” One of the two game baseballs will go directly to Cooperstown.

One of the team fathers told The Flipside at the game’s conclusion that “the coaching staff tipped off the umpire before the game. It’s amazing what a thirteen-year-old will do for twenty bucks.” Nonetheless, this is indeed a day for celebration.

COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder.

“I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs. They haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years. In any other city, people would start following soccer.” The city, says Blagojevich, has the patience to wait at least another four years, if not another four decades.

César Maia, mayor of Rio de Janeiro, the winning city, refused to acknowledge the purchase to The Flipside’s reporters. “There’s no evidence of corruption here in Rio. Our politics are as clean as our streets. Make sure you put something in your article about how no one gets kidnapped here. Crime in Rio is just an urban legend.” It seems obvious that Blagojevich speaks the truth. Chicago’s elimination in the first round of the voting process reeks of corruption, as does the fact that Rio de Janeiro is already hosting the World Cup in 2014.

“I didn’t just give this up for fucking nothing,” added Blagojevich. In return, Chicago has purchased one of the world’s largest festivals, known as “Carnaval.” Rio may have the summer Games in 2016, but the city of Chicago will be partying down Michigan Avenue twice a year for seemingly no reason. And you people thought traffic was going to suck because of the Olympics. Shame on you.

CHICAGO—Without a World Series title in 101 years, enough is enough. Cubs fans have forever been tantalized as America’s losers, but that may soon change. In a last hurrah approach to win it all, the Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with Major League Baseball that would allow them to use steroids in the upcoming 2009 season. If they are unable to finish on top, even with the use of steroids, they, and their farm system, will be terminated from professional baseball.

The Cubs and MLB agreed to these terms late Sunday evening. “We found it to be a fair trade,” says Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “We’ve gone too long without winning a championship. If we can’t win the World Series with steroids, we’ll never do it, so really being kicked out of baseball doesn’t sound that bad, it will just end the misery…kind of like suicide.”

The commissioner was reluctant to sign off on the deal at first, but then remembered how steroids used to be good for baseball. “Steroids have done a lot for the game; I mean there were more homeruns, which was kickass,” explained Bud Selig in a press conference. “But then people found out about it and now they don’t like it. Also, I guess I’d like to see the Cubs win, but not even a deal with the Devil will make that happen.”

This has created uproar amongst many of the players who have been ostracized for using steroids. There are some, however, with a dissenting view. “It’s kind of like when you’re winning big in basketball,” notes Yankee’s shortstop Derek Jeter, “and you stop taking three’s and put in your bench players. There’s no real reason to shove it in their faces, which is something the Cubs have been on the wrong side of for too many years. This deal should, you know, level the playing field.”

This also adds some incentive for the players; either they win, or they’re out of work. The steroids should help, but they’re still the Cubs, so put your “It’s Gonna Happen” sign down and find a new team to root for in 2010.