CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years.

“It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.”

The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household names like star-crossed shortstop Starlin Castro and “mild-mannered” ace Carlos Zambrano, Chicago ended its season without making the playoffs.

“We’re looking for winners,” manager Mike Quade said after the San Diego Padres’ 9-2 victory over the Cubs to end the season. “We’re exploring all options to fill our roster. We will be actively looking for new starters at every position, and our recruiting process will begin with the crowd at the Ferris Bueller screening.”

No prior experience is necessary. Potential players interested in trying out, however, are encouraged to be able to recognize when the game is going on, swing and miss in clutch situations, and take out any aggression on future teammates.

“I think Ferris would be a great fit for the team,” self-proclaimed film “critic” and “Cubs fanatic” Armond Grossman proclaimed. “His sprint home at the end of the film? He’ll be good for 80, 90 stolen bases, easy.”

In other news, Red Sox fans tried to justify their marginal relevance to the baseball world by screening Fever Pitch at Fenway Park.

CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards.

“The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even larger role. Each usher will represent a different brand throughout the game.”

From tattoos to neon signs to miniature billboards that cover most of the body (but not completely, they will be designed so that fans can see through much of the ad to not detract from the elegance of the Wrigley atmosphere), ushers will, in some way or another, be walking advertisements for Cubs sponsors.

The Cubs continue to find other marketing opportunities around Wrigley and in the action. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has agreed to sponsor every Cubs homerun. Additionally, BP will sponsor every Cubs error.

In an effort to cut costs, Ricketts has decided to eliminate organ-played at-bat music. The organ was put on Craigslist yesterday. Ricketts is asking for $65 and “anyone who wants to push an organ down several ramps.”

Instead, each Cubs player will have their own theme music.

“We have You Tube open on my PC,” says Wrigley technician Frank Gorgatta. “When a certain player comes up to bat, we type in his song. It’s a good system. We get to skip those $0.99 charges on iTunes. We don’t have to pay any royalties either because we only play a couple seconds.”

The Cubs open up a weekend inter-league series today at Wrigley for the first time against the Angels.