EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure.

1. Girl on Top

Girls, don’t be afraid to take control. When you find your next meal, don’t be shy: just jump on top and enjoy the fun of eating your victim’s brain. This position minimizes the amount of thrashing and flailing your man will do in his attempt to escape. Your meal is less likely to get away and you won’t have to hold down limbs to enjoy a brain in peace.

2. From Behind

There is something to be said about the pleasures of trying something that involves a little more skill. For those of you who want something a bit more challenging, I’d recommend trying to eat a brain from the back of a person’s head. The hair may get in the way a little bit and you might find the angle a bit awkward, but once you get the hang of it, it can be comforting to enjoy your meal without having to see the look of terror on the face of the person whose cerebellum you’re sucking out.

3.Standing Up

Want something really wild and crazy? How about eating your meal as it is in the process of running away from you? Try to position yourself in a way that helps you both be held up so that the meal can be enjoyed without putting too much strain on either of you. For an extra rush, try doing it somewhere semi-public—just try not to get caught!

Have fun, girls, and happy hunting!

RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities.

“It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him to go fuck himself before blowing his undead brains onto the wall, I’d have told you that you were nuts! It’s been my dream for 20 years!” Manson reported that he has gotten to meet many more famous reanimated corpses in the time since, and occasionally stops to pose for photos before unloading hot leaden fury.

“Let me show you my celebrity scrapbook!” Manson exclaimed like a giddy child. Rather than pull a photo album from a drawer, however, he removed a cooler from his freezer, and began to sort through various rotting appendages. “Let’s see… here’s Paul McCartney’s arm… Martin Scorsese’s head… Hitler’s only testicle…” Manson grinned from ear to ear:

“That was a fun one.”

Manson expressed his love for the state of anarchy that has fully penetrated nearly all developed nations worldwide.

“You’d think there’d be guidelines or somethin’ about how we have to kill the zombies; that we gotta be humane or shit like that, or that we gotta make sure they’re actually undead. Nope. Last night I shot Kanye West; he looked completely healthy to me, but I never could stand that self-involved little shit!” At this point, Manson cut the interview short, saying that he had “big plans” for the next morning.

“Rumor’s goin’ around that Glenn Beck’s infected!” Manson announced gleefully. “So I gotta get there early-there’s bound to be a line. This one’s been a long time coming, and I think that anyone with half a brain left has a bit of a bone to pick with mister Beck!” Manson walked over to his tool shed, emerging moments later with a variety of weapons:

“Which do you think that pig deserves more, the rusty mace or the jalapeño enema?”

MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show.

When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would be more interested in snacking on brains than they would be in eating ham and drinking water with her.

The Situation and Pauly D. are both hoping that some of the zombie girls are cute and “not total grenades.” “Once she sees these abs,” the Situation told a Flipside reporter, “they won’t even remember they’re after brains. I bet there are some living parts they miss their zombie guys having, if you know what I mean.”

Vinny said he hopes they don’t get pinkeye if they eat his brain, Ronnie just laughed throughout the whole interview, Angelina is mad at everyone and left the house, and Sammie is considering feeding Ronnie to the zombies, but isn’t sure; they’ll probably get back together tomorrow.

An Open Letter to the Remaining Uninfected Northwestern Student Body:

We all knew this day would come, and finally it’s here. The zombie apocalypse is upon us, and for those that didn’t think to prepare in advance and complete the optional Essential NU online zombie training course, we have complied a brief guide to protect those brains you’re spending so much money to educate.

1. Preparation/Training: If you have time before the zombies reach your dorm, break through the barriers on your door, and gnaw through your unassailable pillow fort, then we recommend watching zombie films to better acquaint yourself with their habits, and the ins and outs of zombie survival. Learn from imitation. Don’t let Shaun of the Dead fool you: THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT ZOMBIES.
2. Supplies: While taking refuge from a zombie attack, it’s important to pack lots of food and beverages. But please remember, this is not a time to be healthy and eat your vegetables. Try not to taste delicious. Forget everything your parents told you about a balanced meal. Especially ‘brain food.’ Blacklist: blueberries, ginseng, fish…
3. Apparel: Do not wear anything too tight that might make you look like an appetizing sausage. Track pants and running shoes are definitely advised and can be purchased from the Norris Bookstore. Consider protective headgear, football helmets, turbans, pointy hats, Ed Hardy trucker caps, and anything else that might confuse or disorient the zombie.
4. Hiding places: Tech is probably you’re best choice; even a very determined band of zombies probably won’t find you in Tech. Unfortunately, this building requires a certain acquaintance with the layout (English majors: you’re fucked). Avoid athletic facilities. It turns out zombies take the term ‘meathead’ seriously.
5. Weaponry: Guns. Forget your intrinsic liberal aversion to firearms. Go get one of those heavy-duty bad-boys and embrace those Second Amendment rights you were born with. The Founding Fathers definitely saw this one coming, and now you can, too: the sniper rifles available for purchase at the Norris Bookstore now include free scopes (they’re purple!).

Okay kids, we’ve done the best that we can to familiarize you with the essentials of zombie survival. It’s up to you to keep the undead guessing as to whether we really do bleed purple.

Zombie 1008 has faced untold of isolation for his extremely sensitive views on brain-eating etiquette, puppy killing and zombie baptisms.

“We knew from the day he was infected he was something different,” said his blood father, #873. “We just didn’t know that different meant ‘having a heart’ instead of wanting to eat them.”

1008 likes to spend his days by the toxic green river, staring at his reflection and pondering the beauty of his molding flesh. Some have even reported that he likes to watch reruns of I Am Legend at night, crying himself to sleep when Will Smith dies.

“What should I do?” asks Z-1008. “Should I accept my role as a villain? I am not a role model. I abandoned my home to hunt with the faster, taller zombies. Should I be who you want me to be—a blood-sucking, backstabbing, heart-eating, arrogant zombie?”

“No. I will not be a member of the mob mentality. It’s all about me, numero uno…008.”

by an anonymous member of the vitality-challenged community

You humans have the undead all wrong. For decades, we have suffered your misconceptions, your discrimination, prejudice and persecution. I say no more!

All this started when George A. Romero decided to spew his hatred by creating movies like Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, perpetuating stereotypes that have plagued my people for generations. These films depicted us as slow-moving, braindead corpses with an insatiable desire for flesh.

Mister Romero, allow me to retort.

Really? Humans are that tasty? Have you ever bit into raw human flesh? Let me tell you: it ain’t all that great. I mean, sure, it fills us up in a pinch, but it’s really all we can eat: imagine being perpetually stuck in an airport terminal where the only dining option is a Bennigan’s To Go. By the way, I do pilates every Monday and Wednesday, and I know people in the pseudo-dead community who ran track in high school. Is that what you call “stiff” or “slow”? But it’s when you call us braindead where I feel truly offended. I mean I just graduated from the University of Phoenix. Besides, let’s not forget which race nearly elected a crazy masturbating witch and continues to pay attention to Jersey Shore. Job well done, mankind.

Our plight has only worsened in recent years! Anyone remember “Thriller”? Fuck you, Michael Jackson. How dare you degrade us to the level of backup dancers. And movies like Shaun of the Dead actually turn the unabashed genocide of my proud people into comedy! Games like Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead just continue to glorify this terrorism. When will the madness stop? Why do you shoot, bludgeon and bomb us, when our only crime was having weak immune systems that made us fall victim to a virus that killed and subsequently reanimated us? WHY??

You humans insist on stomping on my fellow living dead at every available opportunity. I, on behalf of the mortality-challenged community, demand these changes, effective immediately:

• “Quarantine” is just a technical word for “segregation.” We demand equal access to all public places, especially shopping malls and rural farming towns.
• We demand an immediate moratorium on the usage of the “Z” word. This incredibly offensive and derogatory term has been around for far too long.
• Stop the bloodshed. Give up your guns, chainsaws and blunt objects. We promise to play nice…

My point is that I wake up and put my pants on one leg at a time before devouring a newborn child’s brain just like anybody else. Why can’t we all just get along?

Dear NU Flipside,

Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse?

Sincerely,
James Walshington

Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival procedure for such an event. First, it is important that that you properly protect yourself against the undead. We suggest a shotgun and perhaps a machete. Flamethrowers work nicely as well. Next, you will need a place to ride out the initial infection. Malls have been scientifically proved to be the best strongholds against zombies. We suggest that you camp out on the roof of the Old Orchard Mall and wait for the zombies to starve to death, as our intensive research has shown is inevitable. Once the danger has passed, you may proceed to repopulate the world as you see fit.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Why do you assholes keep putting stuff in my mailbox?

Yours Truly,

Gerd Höffenhauer

Well Gerd, some people actually appreciate receiving The Flipside every week. Actually, the fact that you don’t appreciate The Flipside would seem to indicate that you are not human. So we at The Flipside have a question for you: What the fuck are you? Are you a Dementor? Are you Ann Coulter? Or a zombie perhaps? Or maybe you are just a humorless prude who can’t take a good joke. If that’s the case, we are truly sorry. Truly sorry indeed.

Either way, you will continue to receive The Flipside free of charge in the hopes that your humanity will be restored. You’re welcome.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com.