Next Time, North Korea Won’t Use Fisher-Price Rocket

SEOUL—A report surfaced early Friday morning that the North Korean military had successfully launched a rocket from a beach near Pyongyang. The rocket cruised 100 ft. across the beach before landing harmlessly in the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean. “This is a great day for the North Korean military,” explained foreign official Kim-Seong Moon, “It truly establishes North Korea as one of the most potent military forces in the entire world.”

The rocket was clearly ineffective, as it fizzled over the Pacific. North Korea’s President, Kim Jong-Il, was exuberant regarding the success of the rocket, but admits it could have gone better. He hopes to give a non-Fisher-Price rocket a try in the coming months.

The rocket was North Korea’s third consecutive “successful” missile launch. One month ago, North Korean leaders experimented with the Fisher-Price “Little Einstein” rockets, tossing them around their backyard with looks of glee on their faces. Two weeks prior, North Korean army officers tested the nation’s first stomp rocket, later declaring the launch “a complete and total success, and fun too! Now the western world will truly pay.”

Western powers, specifically the United States and Great Britain, seemed not at all worried about North Korea’s capabilities. “They launched a toy rocket?” asked U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, “That’s cute. I did that with my 10-year old nephew last week.” President Barack Obama was similarly nonplussed. “I think I’ll launch an ICBM at Iraq, you know, just to prove to North Korea that we can launch stuff way farther than they can. Yeah, pissing them off doesn’t seem like it would be much of a problem.”

North Korea’s short term rocket tests are far from over. Next week, they will attempt to launch a high school rocketry project high over the Yellow Sea. After that, they have big long-term plans: potentially launching a real firecracker into the night sky over Pyongyang before moving past the Fisher-Price brand.

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