Band of Lost Boys Discovered in Tech Basement

EVANSTON—When freshman Conrad Stevens went to his first lab in Tech on Wednesday, he ended up stumbling upon a colony of students living in the halls.

“I’d just passed L22 for the fifth goddamn time,” Stevens recounts, “when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I could have sworn I heard whispers.”

Upon investigation, Stevens realized he had found a small village lining the halls of the A wing basement. “They were all wearing long-sleeved shirts, pants, socks, closed-toed shoes, and safety… fuck, I forgot my goggles!” Stevens recalls.

These so-called “Lost Boys” are, in fact, an entire freshman lab session from last year who, through a typo, were scheduled to meet in “A2.” Senior Benjamin Wells remarked, “any freshman that doesn’t know A2 isn’t a real room deserves to be lost in Tech for a year, living off scraps of food and deionized water. When I was a freshman I spent a whole week living in the Tribune Center because I didn’t realize it was different from McCormick Hall.” When reached for a followup, Stevens raised a thought-provoking question, “Who the fuck put the L Wing between B and G?!”

Stevens is planning to give a talk to University maintenance entitled “This Is Why You Clean the Fucking Basement,” though there is doubt whether maintenance workers will put aside their fears of encountering a minotaur in the Tech labyrinth.

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