1859 EDITION: Compromise of 1850 Deemed a Success
WASHINGTON—Congress announced today that the Compromise of 1850, passed nine years ago to help foster cooperation between the North and the South, has been “a complete success” that “will not lead to any large-scale civil wars in the near future.”
The bill, which features concessions toward both pro- and anti-slavery factions, has so far been met with overwhelming approval.
“Zero score and nine years ago,” said Abe Lincoln (R-IL), “we passed this awesome series of bills, and they still kick ass today. I can say with great certainty that we’ll be war-free for a long time.”
Men of the South agree with Lincoln wholeheartedly. “The Compromise has held up like a stone wall,” said Army General Stonewall Jackson, “I’m just so happy to be alive right now.”
Even common men are rejoicing because of the Compromise. “It’s great,” explained actor John Wilkes Booth. “With these laws in place, I don’t see how anything could ever make me angry or vengeful. By the way, come see my play at Ford’s Theater tonight! It’s so funny, it will kill you.”
Some people are less enthusiastic. Daniel Webster (Whig-MA) said of the bill: “Secession! Peaceable secession!” Debbie Downer then continued, “Sir, your eyes and mine are never destined to see the miracle.”
In a straw poll conducted this afternoon, most people agreed that Webster should cheer up and stop being so emo.
In other news, Army scientists announced today that their new, more powerful artillery would be used for “research only” and that in no way would it ever be responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans.