Northwestern Issues Apology for Fake Platform 9¾ Report

CHICAGO—After sending a campus-wide email that a student has gone missing since accidentally boarding the Platform 9¾ train at Union Station, Northwestern University has discovered that this report was a hoax after the student was found sipping piña coladas and re-reading the fifth Harry Potter novel at the Union Station bar.

“It was not a bonafide instance of magical kidnapping,” said a policeman, using his strongest diction possible.

Widespread concern was felt because of many details in the email. The Northwestern community was captivated after hearing that the student reported she entered the Tri-Wizard tournament, hooked up with Neville Longbottom, and got an A in Organic Potions.

Still, it is a slippery slope to dismiss all reports of magical platforms as false. “It’s an issue that needs to be explored fully,” says Morton “Albus” Shapiro, the University President and reported Harry Potter aficionado.

The little inconsistencies brought the story’s falsehood to light. “I should have known the story was crap when the student said she died and then came back to life. That’s an awful way to end a story… I know, I’m an RTVF major,” said McCormick Weinberg, a junior in the School of Communication.

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