Beanie Baby Collection Solidifies Area Grandma as Investing Powerhouse
WILMETTE, IL—Area grandma Gertrude Smith catapulted herself to untold riches last week after closing on her 12-year financial plan, which involved investing in Ty Beanie Babies. The sale of her 270 beloved sacks of beads, worth almost nothing, inexplicably raised her net worth to an estimated $1.8 Billion.
The plush animals, a fad from 1997, were snatched up by rabid consumers and hoarded as rare collector’s items, despite having been as readily available as water. Many cited the future potential value of the mass produced toys as the justification for the frenzy.
In a recent exclusive interview, the new mogul offered a glimpse into the astute business management that landed her the deal. “Don’t touch the tag. If you touch the tag, you’re going to ruin it. Snort [the bull] is going to be worth twice as much some day. That’s what I always told my grandkids.” Smith’s discipline paid off.
She recently began hosting a new show on MSNBC to reach out and guide her new followers. “The window on the Beanie market is closing, but I see the Pokemon segment growing more bullish every day. Snorlax is strong, Squirtle is stale, but Charmander is white-hot. Sell sell sell! We’re all in Pokemon Stadium, you’re Ash, and the opportunities are flying around – you gotta catch ‘em all.” Financial experts are praising the 83-year-old widow’s razor-sharp predictions, and expect her sound advice to lead the U.S. economy back to stable ground.
“When you’ve spent years creating a clusterfuck economy through reckless lending,” waxed Wells Fargo trader Steven Terin, “sometimes all you need is grandma’s good ol’ common-sense advice to fix it.”