Texas Inmates Breathe Sigh Of Relief As Perry Helps Them Shave Off Pounds
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Standing like a triumphant Davy Crockett outside the most historical, revered building in all of the great nation of Texas, with the Denny’s sign brilliantly aglow behind his coifed locks, Governor Rick Perry spoke about his new plan to cut last meals for death row inmates.
“No more will we have to bear the brunt of ragamuffin, tarnation-filled, yellow-bellied allegations that Texans are overweight. These inmates just have to learn to cut back.”
Despite some uproar from local pancake houses who profited greatly from selling huge pre-death combo meals, GOP members have reacted with great exuberance to Perry’s new goal of literally chewing off the state’s fat.
“This new plan will likely save the United States an exorbitant amount of money in the coming year,” expert quail hunter Dick Cheney said Tuesday. “Our estimates indicate that a reduction in costs of this magnitude could be used to jumpstart grassroots business endeavors. Like Halliburton.”
Pundits speculate that Perry’s new campaign against sweaty chubsters could indeed put him ahead of all other competitors in next year’s election.
Hog impersonator and gorging enthusiast Rush Limbaugh praised Perry’s plan, dubbed CUM (Cut Undesirable Meals), in a recent interview..
“We can all benefit from CUM in our daily lives.”
Droves of local Texas residents have emerged from Golden Corral-food hibernation to trumpet their support for the new legislation. “Shit, I been waitin’ for this for a long time,” Jimbo Mason-Dixon said, pitchfork raised and at the ready. “If we cut out all them meals, we can finally afford to reach the killin’ quota of three hundred. Ya know, like that movie.” Mr. Mason-Dixon was subsequently arrested for catapulting his pitchfork through the window of a local Walgreens after screaming something about Athens, an act which prompted the American Classical League to cancel their planned seminar in Houston that week.
While it is impossible to say exactly where this fight will take our stately Lone Ranger next, perhaps Richard Weissman, political correspondent to the White House summed it up best: “It’s gonna be like a goddamn potluck next year, and Ricky’s bringing the Pancake House.”