Junkies Discover the Rock “Ain’t No Crack Rock”
EVANSTON – Evanston junkies were outraged yesterday when they found out Northwestern University’s beloved Rock is, in fact, just a rock.
A recent increase of recreational crack-cocaine users on the Northwestern University campus has stirred up some talk on campus. However with all the work, the cold settling in, and the football team unable to stop any team’s offence, their presence isn’t quite at the top of anyone’s worries list.
It turns out the drug users have been flocking to campus because of widely-distribute promotional materials mentioning the Rock. Local crack-fiend Doug Nealon stated, “Well, I heard about some crack rock out here on the Northwestern campus from my man Steve, who read about it on some website. I thought to myself, ‘Free crack?! Damn, I shoulda gone to college!’ So of course I got my crew together and we came through to check it out . . . but nah, that ain’t no crack rock, man . . .that ain’t no crack rock.”
Clearly devastated, Nealon and the rest of his posse abandoned the Rock, leaving to mill aimlessly around campus “doing hood-rat stuff.”
In other news, 43 Northwestern University students were mugged last night. No information on the muggings is available.