Medill Students Uncover UChicago Plot to Suck the Fun Out of Evanston
EVANSTON – A team of students from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism released a report Tuesday revealing a widespread conspiracy by the University of Chicago to suck the fun out of Evanston.
According to the report, numerous members of the Evanston City Council had close ties to UChicago, whose students often jokingly refer to their alma mater as “where fun goes to die.” The administrators apparently received substantial campaign contributions from members of the university’s administration. In turn, the UChicago administration was able to lobby for — and in some cases even draft — legislation which would slowly leech all of the fun out of living in the Evanston area.
“It’s really not that surprising,” explained Medill senior Josh Thompson, who headed the report. “When you look at some of the laws in Evanston – bans on skipping and bowling, restrictions on Trick-or-Treating, the Brothel Law, et cetera – you realize that such ludicrous attacks on fun could have only been proposed by Evanston-hating enemies of fun. Obviously we suspected UChicago from early on. Following the paper trail simply confirmed our suspicions.”
Thompson, however, was unable to discover the reason for the conspiracy. “We’re unsure of the exact motive,” he said. “It could definitely be envy for Northwestern, but it’s equally likely that this was just the first step in a bigger plot to rid the whole world of fun.”
The report also detailed UChicago’s plans for future Evanston legislation, including a stricter version of the Brothel Law and bans on bubble gum, audible music, and the laughter of children. Most shockingly, a plan to effectively enforce the legal drinking age of 21 was uncovered.
University of Chicago president Robert Zimmer lamented: “And we would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those Medilling kids.”