Newt Gingrich Leads Polls; Ron Paul Calls Next

WASHINGTON — In the wake of Herman Cain’s sex scandal, Newt Gringrich has surged to the top of the polls as the new Republican front-runner for the 2012 election. Ron Paul, a longtime Congressman from Texas, is not happy with the recent turn of events.

“This is bullshit,” says Paul. “My turn was totally after Cain’s.”

When the campaigning began earlier this year, Michelle Bachmann was quick to call dibs on the leader position, winning the Iowa Straw Poll. The rest of the Republicans quickly followed suit, with Perry second in line, followed by Herman Cain, Ron Paul, then finally Newt Gingrich.

Santorum and Huntsman were unable to obtain a place in line, due to the fact that everybody kind of assumed that they were joking about their candidacies during that point in the election.

Gingrich was able to take Paul’s reserved spot as leader by invoking the “cutsies” loophole to the Dibs Contract. Then, in what has been perhaps the trickiest political move of the campaign thus far, the former Speaker of the House secured the “No Backsies” clause to assure his dominance in the polls.

Paul will be given his turn to be relevant next month, when Gingrich is contractually obligated to do something stupid and lose his standings in the polls.

When asked to comment, current runner-up Mitt Romney said “I really don’t even care who’s winning anymore. Can the GOP just admit I’m the only real candidate so we can move on?”

According to recent polls, no, they cannot.

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