Area 5th Grader Unsure Where to Drink Now

EVANSTON – The Northwestern community’s worst fears came to fruition last week when The Keg of Evanston’s liquor license was revoked. Although the decision by Mayor Tisdahl hardly seems unexpected, the decision has far-reaching effects that have surprised the community.

“My friend Dave and me used to trade Pokémon cards there after school,” local fifth grader Danny Popps told Flipside reporters. “I would usually order a beer, but Dave always had a martini; he’s real fancy and stuff.”

The Keg was almost a haven for fake IDs, as it was notoriously known as being full of underage drinkers.

“I once convinced the bouncer I was the [Keg’s] owner,” Kelly Scotts, a Weinberg Sophomore, recounted. “He let me right in. It was easier to get into The Keg than it is to get into community college.”

Danny Popps rarely had any trouble getting in despite being just ten years old. “Ever since we drew self-portraits in art class last year, it’s been super easy to get drinks. I used crayons to make my own fake ID. Works great. Sometimes my friend Dave has trouble, but that stopped once he started using a fake mustache.”

The Evanston and Northwestern communities currently face a great quandary: what in the world could possibly replace Keg Monday? Hillel Monday? Probably not. Burger King Monday? That would get old quick. Parkour Monday? That would be fun, but it would be more fun drunk. Protest in front of Mayor Tisdahl’s house Monday? That sounds about right.

“I don’t know where us underage people are going to drink now,” added Danny. “Guess we’ll just have to wait until Dillo Day.”

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