Lodge Alumni to Seek Somalian Asylum

EVANSTON – Following last week’s announcement that popular fraternity Chi Psi (“Lodge”) has been indefinitely shut down, many alumni have begun filling out asylum applications to third-world countries in a pre-emptive move to avoid prosecution.

“They didn’t even tell us what we did,” one brother noted, referring to a vague letter published by the fraternity’s national council, “so it’s got to be really fucking bad. I don’t think we killed anyone, but my January’s a bit of blur.”

Reportedly, the refugees have so far been welcomed with open arms in Mogadishu, where many former brothers have already begun accepting bids from a litany of factions.

“With their shadowy, enigmatic rituals, as well as their pervasive degradation of women, I really felt at home in the al-Shabaab house,” Christopher Grant III reported by satellite. “Still, it’s not an easy decision. The Salafists have a wicked beer-pong table in the basement.”

When asked why they were willing to uproot and move to a new country for the final years of their education, most Lodge alumni cited a core experience not un-similar to what Northwestern’s Interfraternity Council council delivers.

“The fraternity experience is about brotherhood, leadership, and community, yes?” Militant leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained. “We have this! Our men are blood-brothers, the undisputed leaders of their towns, and constantly engage with their community!” A blast rocked the frame of Zawahiri’s camera. “You see? They engage the community now!”

“Admittedly, this isn’t where I saw myself ending up,” Grant disclosed, his face lightly caked with dirt and blood. “Still, Northwestern only gave me two housing options, and this sure as hell beats living in Plex.”

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