Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency.

In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean, come on, Romney hates poor people and Newt married his high school teacher.”

Obama then went on to say, “And yet, it’s also no secret that this job is slowly killing me. My hair is graying, I’ve lost a step on the basketball court, and Michelle can attest to the fact that I’ve lost a step in the… ahem. Uh, so my staff and I have decided to install handicap-friendly features to the White House. You know, just in case Israel attacks Iran or Biden says something especially stupid, and I can no longer handle the stress without electronic stairways.”

Campaign organizers are already using Obama’s new plans to appeal to a wider demographic in the coming election, drafting new slogans such as “Stand for Change, If You’re Able.” However, other slogans like “We Cannot Walk Alone” will remain unchanged.

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