ESPN Adds Department Devoted Exclusively to Morally Questionable Commentary
BRISTOL, CT – ESPN, cornerstone of respectable sports media that it is, has succeeded in maintaining a level of support for recent phenom Jeremy Lin that accurately represents Americans’ appetite for poorly disguised stereotyping. This success can be attributed to ESPN’s recent decision to take on analysts specializing in commentary that has just the right amount of political correctness.
Said one of the new ESPN employees, “Lin was a perfect candidate because, well, let’s face it, he’s really only slightly above-average for the NBA. Yeah, he’s hit a few clutch threes and won a few games, but it’s pretty clear that people are only interested because he’s Asian. So we started covering him like he’s the Second Coming of Christ after only three good showings. Ridiculous, right? Wrong. The fans are always right. Even if they’re blatantly wrong.”
The director of ESPN’s new department spoke about the importance of the Lin phenomenon in helping the fledgling department gain legitimacy.
He commented, “This whole situation has proven that there is a place for the type of morally questionable commentary that our department promises to provide. The fans have jumped on Lin like a mother after her kid makes his first doo-doo in the potty. You wouldn’t congratulate an adult on graduating from diapers, but hey, he’s just a toddler. The fans’ thinking is similar; they wouldn’t go wild if, say, Stephen Curry hit a few clutch shots, but hey, Lin’s just an Asian.”
One difficulty the department has run into is maintaining just the right amount of ambiguity in their thinly veiled comments, such as the hint of a reference to Lin’s ethnicity in the headline ‘Chink in the Armour’. Some other headlines the analysts have published include ‘Kobe Rapes the Competition’, ‘Tony Parker and the Spurs Surrender to the Hornets Yet Again’, and ‘Scalabrine Out Due to Ginger Pectoral Muscles’.
Despite such difficulties, the new department will continue to address the demographic that has apparently just realized for the first time that Asians can, in fact, be good at basketball.