Local Middle School Holds “Stand Awkwardly in the Corner” Marathon

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation.

This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the event by sitting lazily on the couch while playing Halo and rolling their eyes whenever their parents walked in.

The marathon will have 10 blocks, each of which will highlight a different manner of avoid social contact within a large school gym. The first block, known as the “dude, this sucks” block, will involve awkward wallflowers scoffing at the event and sneering. During block 4, the fruit punch block, students will be required to spoon out at least one cup of fruit punch from a communal bowl while simultaneously avoiding interaction with all other groups at the table. The awkward-corner-stander who makes the least amount of eye contact will win a Stand-Awkward-In-The-Corner Marathon tote bag. The event will finish with block 10, the “man, Rebecca Holliday has such nice tits” block, where the girls will all dance with each other in the center of the stage while the boys look sullen on the sidelines and figure out creative ways to hide their boners.

In response to this event, a local elementary school will have a “K-thru-4 Bouncy Castle Marathon.” High attendance is expected.

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