Campus Literally in Toilet After Debate Drinking Games

EVANSTON – The Northwestern custodial staff reported Friday that 85% of all toilets, including urinals, in Northwestern dormitories became clogged on Wednesday night between 8 and 11 PM. The rules for several Presidential debate drinking games had been circling around campus in the days prior to the debate. One group of drinkers reported the following guidelines: drinking if either candidate argues with the moderator, drinking if either candidate addresses his opponent in the third person, drinking if Obama falls asleep at the podium, and drinking if Romney appears to be hiding an erection.

Soon after the debate began, students at many debate-watching parties began to follow the common rule of chugging if a candidate speaks beyond their allotted time until Jim Lehrer stops them. This often lasted well over two minutes. Students then mobbed the bathrooms to eject the alcohol from their system. Several intoxicated students found themselves in an unfamiliar restroom, their heads surrounded by a porcelain halo.

Amanda Centrola, a McCormick freshman who lives on the third floor of Bobb, recalled, “I was on my sixth straight hour of studying when I heard a stampede toward the bathroom. Girls were screaming when they realized that there were male students befouling it. One girl tried to run to an empty one on the far end of the hall, but she didn’t make it. I saw her later, covered in tears and her own vomit, sitting outside her CA’s room for the rest of the night.”

The University’s custodial staff has asserted that since the debate occurred on a Wednesday, they would not be cleaning up the bathrooms until the normal weekly cleaning on Monday, telling students to “Suck it up” because “It’s [their] own damn fault.”

President Morton Schapiro declined to comment on the toilety state of the university. However, witnesses claim that Morty was drinking amongst the students but did not show even remote signs of sickness.

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