Residential Hall Election Results Unofficial Until Jeb Bush Has Access to Them

EVANSTON – Students across the Northwestern campus were stunned to find out that fairly-counted votes for student government positions would be re-counted by Jeb Bush in order to determine the real winners. “The Allison presidential position looked like a landslide victory,” admitted resident Brad Turner, a Weinberg freshman, “but it’s always good to have the trustworthy Jeb Bush re-count for us!”

Other students, though, weren’t too thrilled with Bush being in charge of the re-count. “I just think he’s done enough fucked up things for this country, and for once, I just want to be able to have an election without feeling like it’s fixed,” said McCormick sophomore Billy McPhee. He later added he couldn’t vote in the real presidential elections because apparently student IDs could be fraudulent.

Mr. Jeb Bush himself tried to dismiss suspicions of any lack of integrity during the re-count, saying, “I have no family at Northwestern, so no one has to worry about any sort of bias.” Mr. Bush was later heard telling close friends and family that he was itching to re-count a ballot and recalling his impressive performance during the 2000 presidential election.

David Anderson, a Medill sophomore and Bobb-McCullough Vice-Presidential candidate, thought he had won his election, so he took all of his friends out to Burger King. “You could see his mood change, and at first we didn’t know what it was. Then he showed us the e-mail telling him Mr. Bush would be re-counting all the elections, and his heart sank,” his friend confided.

“It’s just so unfortunate, you know? He’ll probably cry about how the bubble next to my name was ambiguous. I might as well make a concession speech. Although, I’ll probably have weeks before the outcome is official,” David lamented.

Though no longer in office, after his Northwestern gig, Mr. Bush has plans to fly down to Florida on what he called “official business.”

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