Romney and Obama Persist in Quest to Claim White Undecided Voter
HEMPSTEAD, NY – Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are no closer today than they were yesterday in catching the elusive Great White Undecided Voter. After releasing their nets and (de)baiting their fishing lines during Tuesday’s town hall meeting, neither candidate was able to harpoon their quarry and the polls have stayed static.
Attention has been brought specifically to the White Undecided Voter because the other voters have already been hunted to extinction. According to marine-biologist-turned-political-pundit Richard Jackson, “President Obama has already claimed the other types of undecided voters with relative ease. The only undecided whales, or voters, remaining are white. The whale hunting competition, or the election in layman’s terms, will come down to both candidates’ efforts to capture the elusive White Whale, er, voter.”
But why is the White Undecided Voter so elusive? This question unceasingly eats at the Obama and Romney camps. According to Romney’s first mate Paul “Queequeg” Ryan, “It seems unlikely that the elusiveness is due to size, given its utter lack of concern about its whale-like proportions.”
Obama’s first mate Joe “Starbuck” Biden adds, “The White Undecided Voter is neither young and strong nor old and wise. If anything, it lies more in the middle of that range.”
The candidates now plan to go back to their respective bunkers and regroup for one final push at capturing the Great White Undecided Voter next Monday. Governor Romney will report to his lighthouse off of Cape Cod while President Obama will ride it out at sea on the President Elect’s Queen of the Undersea and the Offshore Dinghy, or P.E.Q.U.O.D.
The quest for the White Undecided Voter has gone on for months and taken a huge toll emotionally, especially on Governor Romney. At one point during his travels, he snapped at Douglas Male, a political reporter for The Washington Post, who dared to call the candidate by his given name, Willard. Romney angrily shouted, “Call me Mitt, Male!”