Asshole Frat Brother Secretly Loves Telling People to Take a Lap

EVANSTON — Reports stemming from the Rho chapter of the Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity indicate that brother Ben Nickerson, a Weinberg junior, secretly loves turning people away from the fraternity’s numerous events and social engagements.

“Just the look on these people’s faces when you tell them to walk around the block, it’s hysterical,” said Nickerson, casually lounging on the house porch, Solo cup in hand. “They look like you just told them Christmas is cancelled. They just don’t believe they can’t get in.”

The monstrous toolbag paused his interview in order to point obnoxiously down the block and tell a group of freshmen, “Hey, sorry guys, but we’re really full right now. Why don’t you guys take a lap?” before turning back to reporters and grinning. “We’re not full at all, but seriously, they were trying to get away with a 2:1 guy-on-girl ratio. Doesn’t fly with me.”

The insufferable asshole then spat over the porch railing and downed the contents of his beverage before letting in a pack of four girls. “Welcome ladies, my name’s Ben, and if you need anything while you’re in there, you just send someone out to let me know,” said the man who has absolutely no power among the rest of his brothers or at the house in general.

In addition, reports say that the girls were sevens at best, and that’s being generous.

The rejections, though, would soon come to define the evening, as Nickerson continued to turn away any groups that even had a remote sniff of masculinity. “The egg-to-sausage combo at our parties is something that TTK really takes pride in,” said the virgin. “These dumbasses just aren’t seeing that. They all walk around out there in little circles bitching and moaning, do they think we can just let anyone in?”

Sources indicated that the street on which Tappa Tappa Keg is located looks like a fucking track meet. Freshman Andy Fullman commented, “We just heard there was an alright party at TTG, and Alpha Beta and Gamma Delta were both wall-to-wall, so we came up to check it out and some douchebag on the porch went all traffic-cop on us. Total bullshit.”

The alleged bullshit would continue for another 45 minutes solid, as Nickerson was able to find both a chair and a refill for his drink. He then put his feet up on the porch railing, so as to look as relaxed and indifferent as possible while he was ruining the nights of dozens upon dozens of smarter, more socially-apt individuals.

The party inside, meanwhile, was struggling with a guy-to-girl ratio of 1:15. Sophomore Rob Lowell stated, “Yeah, I was able to get in with some friends from SMQ, but Jesus Christ, it’s a hen house in here. There’s like one other dude, and I think he may have left already. I thought it would be cool in here, but man, all they’re playing is deep tracks of Skrillex.”

When Bobby Masterson, president of the Tappa Tappa Keg chapter, was reached for comment, he said of Mr. Nickerson: “Oh, Ben. I totally forget he’s a brother, but when he shows up to these things we just stick him outside. Have you seen him at parties? He goes hard. One girl’s nose started bleeding two weeks ago. Killed it for everyone. Why, what’s he doing out there now?”

Since the beginnings of the party, Nickerson has let in 31 girls and two boys, and has reportedly enjoyed every minute of it, save for one moment when a freshman threw a wet blob of gum at him and called him a goddam dickwad.

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