Mitt Romney Buys and Bankrupts Hostess, Just to Spite Ohio
CLEVELAND, OH — Trans-fat gourmands everywhere mourned the loss of the Hostess Corporation on Friday when the company announced it was closing its factory doors for good. Many middle Americans, including all of the remaining Republicans in Ohio, took a break mid ho-ho bite to blame Barack and Michelle Obama for the confectionary catastrophe.
“This is just another example of how Obama is bad for America,” Warren Couty resident Tammy Smith told the Flipside, brushing some cinnamon sugar off her nose that she was reportedly “saving for later.” “Ding-dongs have been the back bone of my well-balanced diet since my Dad got me my first at the Exit 108 Mobil station Toledo when I was 7. All those radicals in Cleveland ruined the country for all of us!” Smith continued, sopping up her tears with a slice of Wonderbread.
Though Smith and many other fellow Twinkie connoisseurs in America’s heartland blame the financial woes of the Hostess Corporation on Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” anti-obesity campaign, an undercover investigation by the CFIA (Crème-Filling Intelligence Agency) has found evidence suggesting that Mitt Romney and Bain Capital may have secretly bought and purposely bankrupted the iconic American bakery just to get back at voters in the Hostess-loving state for swinging democratic in the election earlier this month.
Romney’s horse, Rafalca, confirmed the rumors, telling The Flipside in a closed-stall interview that she overheard the former presidential candidate telling his son Tagg the story. The core conspirator, though, according to Rafalca, was New Jersey governor Chris Christie. “He was telling Tagg something about Christie calling and saying ‘Nobody messes with the GOP. NOBODY.’ I wasn’t really paying attention though, because I thought of how this one time, that Southern peasant Rick Perry tried to feed me a SnoBall. As if. He even got confectioner’s sugar in my mane. It was heinous.”
The CFIA’s investigation also found that all remaining Donettes, Ding Dongs, and Fruit Pies have been re-routed to a location in Trenton near the governor’s mansion for appropriate disposal.