Performance Enhancing Drugs Sole Inductee to Baseball Hall of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY — Last Wednesday, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America made history by voting in the first non-human inductee to the Hall of Fame. “Performance Enhancing Drugs” (PED) was the only candidate to receive the needed 75% of the vote, ushering it into baseball’s most hallowed ground.

PED built an impressive resume in its decades-long stint in the MLB, accounting for over 90,000 home runs, 325,000 RBI’s, 800 ‘roid rage tantrums, and 500 shrunken testicles before being forced into retirement by MLB commissioner/buzz kill-in-chief Bud Selig.

As Mike Rubowitz, a voting writer who covers baseball for the Washington Post, put it, “It’s clear that Performance Enhancing Drugs deserved this. I mean, there was nobody in baseball as dominant as PED during its time. It changed the game; less worrying about strategy and more concern with finding team doctors who could get their hands on some HGH.”

The decision was not without controversy, however, as many called it “a disgrace to the game” that a non-human inductee will be allowed a place amongst baseball’s elite. Barney Bodes, former Assistant GM of the Giants, attacked the vote, saying, “I don’t care how entertaining the game was back then, PED is not human, it’s unjustifiable! Sure, we all loved watching steroid-addled mega-men crank the ball 700 feet before breaking the bat over their heads in triumph. Those were the days we could actually compete with football for viewers. But come on, letting a non-human in the Hall, that just undermines the integrity of the game…”

Performance Enhancing Drugs will officially become a Hall of Fame member on July 28 at the induction ceremony, where, sources say, PED will be honored with a bronze bust of a hypodermic syringe.

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