Senate Confirms Bagel as Secretary of Defense

WASHINGTON — The Senate today confirmed a bagel as the nation’s next Secretary of Defense in a stunning show of bipartisanship. After it became clear that the confirmation of Chuck Hagel would be an insurmountable political obstacle, President Barack Obama nominated part of his breakfast instead.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) stated, “While this bagel isn’t the ideal choice, it’s at least palatable to most members of the Senate. He’s bland, holding no controversial positions, and it is adaptable to a variety of situations. Just as you can eat a bagel with breakfast or lunch, with Nutella or cream cheese, I believe that President Obama’s bagel, as Secretary of Defense, will be equally adjustable to strategizing in a potential future war with Iran or directing a covert tactical mission in the mountains of Afghanistan.”

After a brief debate on the Senate floor, the bagel was confirmed, 88-10, with two senators abstaining. Eight republicans and two democrats voted against the bagel, issuing a joint statement: “We cannot in good conscience support this candidate. It is full of carbohydrates and calories, yet low on nutritional value. It is not even whole grain, but rather simply plain, and plainness is not good enough for such an important position. We have no confidence in the bagel’s ability to fulfill the duties of the Secretary of Defense.”

“We don’t believe the bagel is above a smear campaign,” they added.

Meanwhile, the abstaining senators, Sen. Tammy Baldwin (D-Wisconsin) and Sen. Mark Kirk (R-Illinois), said, “This is absolutely ridiculous. We can’t believe that a bagel is seriously up for nomination for a powerful cabinet position. If the American people weren’t convinced Washington is an absolute circus before this, they certainly will be now.”

However, this statement was ignored by the rest of the Senate.

Political pundits agree that the bagel’s greatest asset in its confirmation was its contrast with the unpopular Mr. Hagel. Most notably, unlike Mr. Hagel, the bagel received widespread support from pro-Israel groups.

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