Students Peacefully Assemble on Deering Meadow on MLK Day, Actually Just Trying to Get in to Main Library
EVANSTON — Faculty members in the History, Political Science, and African American Studies Departments all applauded a group of two to three hundred students who braved arctic temperatures to assemble on Deering Meadow on Monday in what university officials presumed was a celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, commemorating the numerous nonviolent protests, marches, and sit-ins of Dr. King and other activists whose collective efforts led to milestone achievements in civil rights.
However, when interviewed by Flipside field reporters, most of the “protesters” indicated that mainly, they just really wanted to get in to the library, which was closed in observance of the federal holiday.
“Like I mean I get it that the Civil Rights movement was important and whatever,” pre-med sophomore Patrick McPatrick told The Flipside, “but I have an Orgo midterm on Thursday. THURSDAY. THE LIBRARY CAN’T BE CLOSED IT’S ON THURSDAY.” McPatrick proceeded to stress-twitch a little before returning to a small igloo made with ice blocks cleaved from the Norris ice rink, where he and two classmates had been huddling around a molecular model kit.
Feelings of collective unrest intensified as the day went on, climaxing when the entire 2013 pledge class of the Lambda Omicron Lambda sorority arrived, armed with Starbucks skinny vanilla lattés as well as carrots, celery, and several other very crunchy and calorie-free snacks to munch loudly while totally not giggling super-cutely and making eye contact with the Tappa Tappa Keg pledges in Core.
“No, it’s cool guys,” Pledge Class President Brittany Taylor squealed to her new sisters. “I totally hooked-up the hot guy who works at the Circulation Desk on Tuesdays between three and seven at the Keg last night, and I’m sure he can let us in through the tunnel from Kellogg or something.”
“Also, you, like, might not know this but we’re like SUPER socially aware. It’s an LOL core value,” fellow LOL pledge class member Maggie Jacobson told the Flipside. “I totally took PoliSci 101 last quarter, so I def know who MLK is and everything, but I’m like legit annoyed we can’t get in to Deering. Like both Kimye AND Will and Kate are pregnant right now, which is a lot to keep up with and the Gawker app isn’t working on my phone, so I, like, really need to get in and use my laptop ASAP.”
Disappointed university officials who had arrived hoping to congratulate the masses of increasingly stressed, hysterical, and cold students on their efforts in the never-ending battle for human rights were heartened when they found a group of scraggly hunger-strikers singing along to The Banana Boat Song with keynote speaker Harry Belafonte on the Deering steps. Officials later learned, however, that they were really just homeless Bienen graduates.