10 Things We Learned From the Oscars
Too busy studying for DTC to understand why RTVF majors have their panties in a bunch (“Depaul and Colombia? Seriously?”) or why Hugh Jackman would even attempt to follow up Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jennifer Hudson? No worries, here’s the Oscars run-down:
- Even if you are nominated for an Academy Award, even your characters are named something ridiculous like Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi or after a shampoo brand (what up, Pantene), do not decide what to wear three hours before the Oscars. Two tragically misplaced seams ARE JUST TOO DISTRACTING.
- Seth McFarlane can’t stop being Seth McFarlane. In all honesty, who wasn’t expecting a song about boobs, a John Wilkes Booth shout out, and a racist sock puppet show?
- Quvenzhané Wallis made puppy purses cool again and all of our second grade school selves rejoiced.
- George Clooney (aka sexy Santa beard) was like a senior at The Keg drinking to hide the realization he should have stopped coming here two years ago.
- Apparently, no one cares enough about sound editing to actually count the votes, and when a tie means less time for acceptance speeches, it’s perfectly ok to use the soundtrack of Jaws to kick the winners off stage.
- If you’re Halle Berry, it’s acceptable to say “pussy” on national television. If you’re Kristen Stewart, it’s probably not acceptable to limp on stage and mumble like a cokehead.
- Award-winning directors who say “peace out” should receive the Oscar for Cockiest Suburban Dad.
- Falling after winning Best Actress can make you perfect in every way. Also, Sherman Ave can’t keep it in their pants.
- Michelle Obama can make absolutely anything about the kids just by wearing sequins and showing up half of Hollywood.
- When the Academy decides that you’re not cool enough to be nominated for Best Director, just win Best Picture instead.