Anti-Doping Administration Tests Third Graders at Oshkosh Spelling Bee, Kickball Tournament

OSHKOSH, WI — After running a full battery of tests on competitors at the World Ice Fishing Championship at the Big Eau Pleine Reservoir near Wausua, Wisconsin last week, World Anti-Doping Agency officials made a trip two hours southeast to the Oshkosh Elementary School Third Grade Spelling Bee to test contestants for a similar array of performance enhancing substances.

“For a long time, we figured the only athletes who would use performance enhancing drugs would be like, you know, actual athletes,” said WADA spokesman Bob McBrearty at a press conference in Sheboygan. “But a few years back we found out a mini-golfer and some roller-derby skaters were using something or other, and then we realized everybody really was doing it. Then, just last week, I was watching the National Spelling Bee with my 10-year-old-son Jim-bo—and Jim-bo can barely spell spelling—and I thought to myself, there’s no way that 8-year-old Indian girl should be able to spell guetapens. She’s gotta be ‘roiding.”

McBrearty led the team of anti-doping agents who arrived in Oshkosh on Tuesday afternoon to test the spelling bee contestants for any and all substances that might enhance their sounding-out and letter-guessing abilities. Second-place-winner Jessica Timmons tested positive for calcium-fortified versus regular orange juice, but after some debate, the Parent Teacher Association decided to let her keep her title. “Is this a joke?” said Timmons’s mother, Rhonda. “It’s not my fault [PTA president] Suzanne’s son can’t spell inebriate, though I’m surprised given [Suzanne’s husband] Todd’s performance at [PTA secretary] Beth’s Super Bowl Party.”

Winner Stuart O’Keeffe tested negative for all substances. “Nahhh, Stuart’s not doping,” fellow contestant Robbie Davidson told The Flipside. “He’s just a square. But if he was, maybe I’d pick him for my dodgeball team.” Reports from tattle-tale Ashley Irving indicate that after leaving the interview, Robbie gave Stuart a swirly.

Since they’re stuck in Wisconsin until their flight out of Milwaukee on Sunday, McBrearty and his team informed Oshkosh Elementary School faculty that they plan to continue testing students engaged in other semi-athletic activities including QuizBowl, the Science Olympics, and the Fifth Grade Kickball Tournament. “Have you seen those O’Connor triplets?” Spokesman McBrearty reportedly asked Principal Miles Leroy. “They’re at least three inches taller than anyone else in their class. There’s no way they’re not taking something stronger than the Flintstones Chewable Multivatimins allowed in the Kickball Handbook of Rules and Regulations.”

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