Czech Republic Sends $2 Billion in Maps as Foreign Aid to Geographically Oblivious U.S.
PRAGUE, CZECH REP. — Czech Prime Minister Petr Nečas announced at a special press conference today that his government has decided to provide $2 billion worth of maps for the tragically geographically challenged U.S. schoolchildren.
“We see it as a moral duty to extend a helping hand to countries whose education about the rest of the world has frozen in a woeful state. The least we can do is provide the necessary tools for the poor American kids to at least be able to distinguish Czech Republic, a central European country and a U.S. ally, and Chechnya, an integral part of the Russian Federation located some 2000 miles to the east from here.” The head of the Czech government added, “That is a difference every highschooler should know.”
According to Mr. Nečas, the event that finally convinced him to offer aid to the grossly undereducated American populace was when he asked his ambassador in the United States, Petr Gandalovič, to explain the difference to Americans in writing.
Mr. Nečas said, “That was indeed the final blow. When George Bush made all those Austria and Australia mix-ups, when Sarah Palin said Africa was a country, all we did was laugh about it, because somewhere deep in our hearts, we still believed they could have been joking. But when tweets mistaking our country for a province of a country on a different continent began turning up, we realized that the responsible thing to do was to actually help these benighted souls. Never again should U.S. president be heard speaking about the border relations between Canada and Mexico, or a vice president, when talking about Hugo Chavez, exclaim that ‘The people of Peru deserve better.'”
When asked about whether this generous batch of foreign aid was the right thing to do in a time of fiscal austerity, Czech President Miloš Zeman rejoined, “It is an investment worth the money, since it answers the oldest, most ardent wish of the world towards America, the wish that they would GET A FUCKING MAP!”