Dillo Day Ball Pit Provides Exciting Place to Hook Up, Contract Meningitis

EVANSTON — Northwestern students attending Dillo Day this year were pleasantly surprised by Mayfest’s latest addition to the day’s experience: a ball pit. Members of the student body expressed their excitement, with some saying that the classic childhood playground staple was perfectly suited for the drunken hookups they have been planning since the day after last Dillo Day.

“Dude, it’s amazing,” exclaimed Weinberg senior Scott Landry. “It combines the thrill of publicly sucking face in front of all those high school kids with the quasi-discretion only a ball pit can provide.”

“I swear this must be how Caligula felt,” continued Landry despite no one demanding further elaboration on the subject. “Honestly, who hasn’t thought of dry humping someone in a fricken ball pit? It’s shock absorbent so I can hump away without worrying about bruises. Besides, whenever I get bored of grabbing her tits or her ass, I have other squishy things to grab just lying around. It is perfect.”

“He taketh away, he giveth, this ball pit is better than the Keg,” muttered Weinberg sophomore Jack McAdams, who apparently has yet to move on from the closure of The Keg of Evanston.

“Like, I am so really high right now,” declared Percy the Gay Stoner while dragging his boyfriend into the ball pit.

Despite general approval from the students, several health officials on campus expressed reservation over the blatantly obvious risks imposed by the ball pit. A paramedic on duty said that a college campus without a ball pit is already “a public health disaster zone,” and that drunk, sweaty, most likely half-naked students interacting in what is “essentially a giant vat of spherical petri dishes” was “just what the SARS virus needed to kill off humanity.” The Center for Disease Control declared that the ball pit must be promptly burnt to the ground in order to prevent the spread of diseases only appropriate for canal diggers in the late 19th century.

The grievous health risks has left many students wondering if Mayfest had even thought the ball pit through. When asked by The Flipside if they expected the attraction to turn into Gomorrah itself, Mayfest had no comment.

Regardless of the potentially lethal state of the ball pit, it was considered widely successful before the debauchery was cut abruptly short–to the dismay of many drunk, horny students–by some dumb fuck who threw up in it.

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