All Packages Now Get Delivered to Plex for Completely Rational Reasons

EVANSTON — In an obvious move, the university has announced that all packages sent to on-campus students will now be available for pickup in Foster-Walker Complex. This is a change in policy from previous years, where packages could be picked up wherever students received their mail.

“We saw this as a no-brainer,” said Mary Goldenberg, the new Director of Residential Services. “There’s a big divide between the cultures of North and South campus, and we thought that having everyone walk about 5-10 minutes, each way, to get their packages at the same place would create some good old-fashioned campus unity.”

However, Scott O’Brien, a sophomore in the School of Communication, had some concerns about transporting heavy packages back to his room in Bobb, which is an eight-minute walk from Plex. “I was just so confused when I heard the news. How am I supposed to carry the 50 pounds of protein powder that my parents send me every quarter all the way back to North campus?”

Goldenberg was quick to reassure students that this would not be an issue, seeing as the package center will be offering carts for those who need to move heavy or bulky packages. All one has to do is leave his/her Wildcard with the package center in Plex, and then, when the cart is returned, so is the Wildcard.

“It’s a simple process, really,” said Goldenberg. “I think that students are willing to overlook the four-way, forty-minute trip with the goal of a unified community in mind.”

Meanwhile, the tens of work-study eligible students who staffed local mailrooms last year now have to look for new jobs, since the new central package center in Plex requires less overall staff. However, none has been able to find equivalent employment; no other campus positions allow their workers to ignore their clients due to a pressing homework assignment, make out in the back room, and just not show up for work at all.

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