Government Shuts Down, Requires Human Sacrifice

WASHINGTON — Due to the fact that the House of Representatives was not able to pass a budget on time the United States government has officially shut down. All departments and workers that have been deemed “essential,” such as the military and the NSA, will remain as paid employees of the federal government, while one million “non-essential” employees will be furloughed and not paid until the shutdown is over. The government has announced that there is only one way to end the shutdown: human sacrifice.

The government was clear in its demands, though, and confirmed that it was not joking. It will require the sacrifice of 45,000 Americans before it will restart.

With the government’s demands, House Republicans began to regret their decision to shut down the government. “When I first heard the number, I thought it was a joke,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “I mean, something like 20,000 would be manageable, but 45,000 people? That’s insane.”

“At… At first I thought that we could just throw some illegals its way and everything would be fine, but then I realized that it only wanted Americans,” stammered House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA).

This could have all been prevented, of course, had the House simply passed a budget to keep the government funded, without tacking on anything extra. However, the two parties could not agree on a measure that would have stalled implementation of the Affordable Care Act, affectionately known as “ObamaCare.”

Regardless, it is too late. The government must be paid its blood price, or, in the long run, we all risk a world without extrajudicial killings and that secret agency who put balloons all around the country.

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