STUDY: The Ohio State University is Worst Institution

EVANSTON — A joint study conducted by the Bienen School of Music, the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science, the Feinberg School of Medicine, the Medill School of Journalism, the Kellogg School of Management, the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Communication, the School of Continuing Studies, the School of Education and Social Policy, and even the Garret-Evangelical Theological Seminary concluded that The Ohio State University is the worst institution in the history of the world.

“Our study compared The Ohio State University to not only formally structured institutions such as the Ku Klux Klan and Al Qaeda, but also societal institutions such as bigotry and poverty,” said leading author Professor Richard Ashley of the Bienen School of Music. “The results came in clear that The Ohio State University has certainly been worse in every regard than any other institution in the history of the world.”

“We actually found out that more-or-less every single inhabitant of Columbus, Ohio is morally worse than its namesake, Christopher Columbus,” said Professor Mark Sheldon of the Department of Philosophy. “Which is pretty crazy, given that Columbus had a ton of slaves and killed a lot of people,” added Sheldon.

“One thing that we were really discovered to find was that The Ohio State University actually charges negative tuition,” said Professor Jörg Kreienbrock of the Department of German. “It seems like the University actually has to pay its students to enroll, using both money and the low-priced impure heroin for which Columbus is so well known.”

“This study is definitely going to be very influential, given that we developed a reliable metric for assessing the fun any person is having at any point in time,” said Ashley, who also teaches in the Cognitive Science Department. “The interesting thing is that we specifically calibrated our metric such that nobody could ever have negative fun, but students and faculty at The Ohio State University somehow managed to test for negative fun. In addition, our longitudinal component demonstrated that both lab mice and paid undergraduate test subjects exhibited significant drops in day-to-day fun after learning about the existence of The Ohio State University.”

“Geographical closeness to The Ohio State University is also a strong factor in fun across all demographics. From a utilitarian angle, we really should bomb the place,” contributed Professor Bernadine Dohrn of the School of Law, to the nods and approval of all others present at the press conference.

The Ohio State University was founded in 1870 by Judas Iscariot. Famous alumni include Idi Amin, Slobdodan Milosevic, and Joseph Goebbels.

The Flipside didn’t even try to reach The Ohio State University for comment.

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